Part-1

I have this nauseating feeling, I can’t breathe, my heart is beating really fast, there is this uneasy feeling in my stomach, everything was fine just a minute ago, why is this happening all of a sudden. I sit, feeling uneasy and nauseated staring at my lap top, my breathing is getting shallow, I can hear myself breathe, my heart pounding in my throat, and still I can’t take my eyes off my laptop, why? Oh why? I ask myself, I never thought this would hurt, we were not lovers, we were just friends, very good friends, so why is this giving me an uneasy feeling? I should be happy for him, he would be happy for me if I find love, of course he would, I can’t keep my eyes off my lap top screen. Shit! My lap top is so mean, why can’t it turn off itself sensing my uneasiness.  This is not doing me any good, I should just turn off the mean machine, for the first time it has a bewildering effect on me. Who is she? Why does she have her arm wrapped around him? Damn you technology! why do people post pictures? Why did I type his name, why did I want to see him, because I missed him, obviously but there she is sitting cozily with him dressed in a white almost satin looking dress, and he looks happy! Who is she? Why am I even bothered? I never gave him a chance when he was into me, so he decided the only way to be with me was to be my friend, and so he did, he became a good friend, but I can’t seem to accept the fact that he would replace me, he would move onto someone else so quickly, it’s only been a year, One fucking whole year, we were not in love, he is not moving on, we were never there, he doesn’t have to move on.  I need to email him, I need him to know I exist, I am not dead and I still think about him, and I need to know if he thinks about me time and again, yes email, oh technology, can’t live with you, can’t live with out you. So here it goes, email him, yes !

To: Nischay Rana

Subject: I still exist

Date: 4/24/2012

From: Arpita Sharma

I still exist, hey youJ

The amazing

A

I move the mean machine’s cursor around the screen should I send it? Send, shouts my subconscious. Send. I stare at the clock on my wall and realize I have been sitting still in front of my mean machine for almost half an hour, no response, he might be busy, he is a busy man or he might be with her- with her? I decide to divert myself, this wait argh  is killing me! I get up and walk towards the kitchen, open the refrigerator and get out the only bottle of wine, Chardonnay, chilled white wine can never go wrong. I greedily pour myself a glass, take the first sip, this is what I need to calm down. I am down to my second glass savoring each sip lost in it’s bitter yet sweet taste suddenly from the corner of my room I hear my blackberry buzz who might it be?  Reluctantly I get up, and from the side table get my blackberry, there is an email- from him! I smile, do I even want to read it, of course I do.  I am already tipsy, I won’t read, if I read I have to write a reply and I should not be writing drunken emails. Fuck- who cares! I will smoke first.

To: Arpita Sharma

Subject: You know how to get a man’s attention

Date: 4/24/2012

From: Nischay Rana

Dear Miss Amazing A

I am surprised you are still sharp with words? I thought you were losing your touch. How are you? How are the Americans treating you? Mighty fine, I guess (I am smirking as I am writing this)

Yes, you still exist, I am glad you do. There is so much to tell you.

Can’t wait

The more amazing

N

I hate him. I frown at his email So much to tell me- god, is it about her, someone kill me!  I need a drink, I would rather drink and I need another cigarette.

I have almost emptied one whole bottle of Chardonnay, crap I have work tomorrow. I am drinking because of him and the white dress bitch. This is the alcohol talking; I don’t even know her to call her a bitch, why does she have her arm around him? He has never taken a picture with me, seriously we don’t have a picture together. My head is buzzing- crap!

“Hey, Arpita, been a while, how are you?” my friend Mukul jumps off his chair to hug me, gently he gives me air kisses and I smile.

“I have been good, here to meet a friend, but she is keeping me waiting” I smile shyly.

“Come join us” he says with a big grin.

I look at the two men sitting with him, looking at me expectantly.

“It’s better than sitting alone” I mutter.

Mukul smiles as I sit-  silence then  starts to get a little awkward-is he going to introduce me or I am supposed to say “hello I am Arpita” or I am supposed be rude and not say a word. It’s good to be surrounded my men at this time in my life, I just broke up, actually I was dumped, me dumped? Yes. I loved that man, I still do. Tears prick at the corner of my eyes at the thought of him, I try to hold the explosion of sobs I have been having for the past 15 days, not here Arpita, not in front of them. Someone say something; help me before I drown all of you in my pool of tears. I am lost.

“Hello, I am Nischay and that’s Suraj”, he smiles his shy smile- Thank god, thank you, Nischay whoever you are for diverting my attention.

“Mukul doesn’t know his manners, so I will oblige, can I err we get you a drink?” he smirks

“No” I say with a straight face.

“Come on one drink” Nischay insists, and I can almost see an arrogant smile twitch at the corner of his lips.

I am celebrating my singlehood and mourning being dumped one drink is not going to kill me.

“Cosmopolitan” I say arrogantly. I need to pee, “excuse me, I need to use the rest room” I say, I am still thinking about him, I don’t want to ruin this evening, please Arpita you are not going to cry, not in front of them and not in the rest room.

As I am getting off my chair “here” says Nischay handing me a tissue, a soft tissue. I look at him quizzically; “to make sure your eye makeup stays in shape” he smiles his arrogant smile. How does he know I am about to cry, is it that obvious, I glare at him, he is giving me his hey-caught-you look, then I  look at Mukul and Suraj, they are indifferent, staring at him, at me quizzically.

“Thank you” I hiss and stomp off to the rest room.

What is his problem? Arrogant man, ill mannered, my subconscious shouts. Breathe Arpita, breathe, I look at myself in the mirror, I look pale, very pale, I need some food in my system, I look unhappy. I am unhappy. He dumped me, the man that I loved with all my heart dumped me, I don’t think I can ever love again. Control yourself Arpita! Don’t you dare cry for that asshole, you are done crying, you hear me? Yells my subconscious, she is wearing a pencil skirt, 4 inches heel, she is looking hot, don’t cry she says again. Yes, control myself. Arpita, go pee. I stand looking at myself in the mirror, pale, goodness I look pale. I need some lipstick. I walk out of the restroom heavy hearted, I can do my crying at home.

Smile. I smile and walk out the rest room, my drink has already arrived and everyone is waiting for me.

“Your phone’s been ringing off the hook” says Mukul, “might be your friend” he adds

Finally! She might have messaged me; I need to check my phone. Oh! there is a text from her

Srijana

Hey, I tried calling you, you didn’t answer. I am stuck at work, can’t make it today, don’t be mad L

I knew she would ditch me, she is so inconsiderate.  I am not going to reply back, she should know I am mad.

“Is your friend coming?” asks Nischay.

Seriously, why is he even bothered? He is too nosy!

“No” I answer irritated, “she is stuck at work” I add.

I hate her (no I don’t) she is my best friend, but I need her, this is the time I need her the most and here I am sitting surrounded by testosterone. Why is he looking at me that way?  I am sure he is going to say something, I have sat with him for only half an hour and I already know he has a smart mouth.

“Great, you will get to be in the pleasure of our company!” he says smiling.

Uh no. I would be anywhere but here, he is such a smart ass.

I smile.

I miss him, I wish he was here. I can’t seem to get over him. He was not a good man snarls my subconscious, he never treated you right, don’t miss him Arpita.

“By the way how is Akash? Haven’t seen you guys around for a while” asks Mukul.

Oh! Mukul, why do you have to talk about him, he dumped me, he found some one else, after three years he decided he was not in love with me anymore.

Tears fill my eyes as I answer him “We broke up, it’s been almost two weeks”

“oh! I am sorry” Mukul says, I can see he is genuinely sorry, he knew how much I loved that man.

“Why?” asks Nischay.

Why? You nosy man, why do you want to know?

“Because we fell out of love” I say and all of a sudden tears start to fall. Control yourself, please don’t cry, not here.

“Here” the nosy man hands me another tissue.

“I should go” I say as I try to hide my sadness.

“No” says Mukul, “you are staying. You never listen to me Arpita, at least today let me be a good friend”

I oblige.

I finish my Cosmopolitan in one gulp. I am going to have fun, get sloshed.

“Tequila shots” I shout excited.

Nischay calls the waiter, orders one round of shots and then another and another.

 5 shots, my head is buzzing, I haven’t had anything to eat, I have lost my appetite. I think I am going to throw up, shit!

I try to get up from my chair, but I can’t move, my legs feel like jell-o.

I can see the boys are busy talking about Nischay’s hotel business, I can only make out that’s he is rich, super rich. Rich men are assholes and I don’t care.  I need to get to the rest room, damn it! I think I am going to throw up here. Suddenly I feel someone helping me get up, is it Mukul? No it’s that nosy dude.

“Here, let’s go to the rest room” he says. I am in no condition to fight or say no, I take his hand and  follow him.

“If you try any hanky panky you nosy man I will kick you where it hurts” I say in my very drunken voice. I can hear him laugh.

“No I won’t try any hanky panky with you Miss.Sharma, I can’t believe you think I am nosy, by the way how will you kick me when you can't stand straight?” he says dryly and laughs. He holds my hair while the insides of my stomach come out through my mouth-disgusting.

“You haven’t had anything to eat?” he says

I am throwing up and you are talking about food?

“No” I say

After I am done throwing up and embarrassing myself in front of this nosy stranger he takes me back to our table, makes me gulp down almost 10 glasses of water, I don’t remember, and forcibly makes me eat. Mukul is ready to drop me home but his girl friend shows up, so Nischay volunteers to take me home. I don’t want to go with this nosy man, I will stay here.

“Come” he says

I stay quiet; he is holding me as I walk, seriously why are my legs so wobbly?

“Some first impression you make on a man, Miss. Sharma” he says “and don’t worry no hanky panky” he adds and laughs again

What’s so funny, nosy asshole!

My blackberry buzzes again, and from the thoughts of my past I am brought back to my present, and I am drunk, how ironical. I check my blackberry and there’s an email from him again.

To: Arpita Sharma

Subject: Are you not responding to my emails deliberately?

Date: 4/24/2012

From: Nischay Rana

Are you making me wait for your response? Don’t disappear on me again Arpita

Disappear on him again? He is the one wrapped up in that woman’s arm.

To: Nischay Rana

Subject: Who is she?

Date: 4/24/2012

From: Arpita Sharma

No, I don’t want to talk to you all of a sudden. Who is she? The girl in that picture?  Are you dating her? You couldn’t wait for me to come around?

Send!

I am tipsy, I am going to regret all of this tomorrow. Fuck- did I send that email, yes I did. I cannot undo it now, I am so STUPID.  Oh god, some one kill me right now. Why isn’t he replying back, I am sure he is mad, shit what if she is reading my emails, what if she is with him. Shit! Shit! Shit! I don’t have the energy to wait for his reply, my head is buzzing, I think I am going to pass out.

Nishay, my Nischay!