Happy Begining

He loves me. Holy shit- he loves me, he said he loves me. The 18 year old who dwells inside me is jumping around, laughing throwing her hands up in the air, she seems to be lost in her own dreamy sensation, she is euphoric, he loves me, he loves all of me. But what about the 25 year old me, am I happy? Obviously I am, why do I even doubt it, I am happy; I have liked him for god knows how long. My inner twin ignoring the young me is standing right in front of me, stumping her foot, scowling at me, do you have anything to say I ask my inner twin, she gives me a yes-I-do-and you-know-well-what-it-is look. You like him, you don’t love him, you cannot love, you are scared of love she says staring angrily. I frown at her, I don’t want her words to imprint in my brain, I want to bask in this feeling, the feeling of being loved, so I ignore my inner twin, go away I tell her., I like him, I will learn to love him. Will I? Thank you my evil twin, I think I am having second thoughts, why  put such things in my head, I am not sure if I genuinely like him or if I am just infatuated towards him, love, damn it! Why am I having an inner conflict, why can’t all of me, for once, agree? I should hang out with the 18 year old me more often I say to myself and she nods in approval. I have been alone for so long, and I have had my eyes set on him ever since the day I saw him, I have been secretly hoping he would ask me out on a date, so why am I thinking  too much, I always do this, I have this annoying habit of over thinking things. You are not over thinking anything, that’s the truth, promptly says my inner twin, oh! Don’t listen to her, how can you not love a living, talking, breathing Greek god, don’t listen to that stupid twin of yours, says the 18 year old me. Greek god? Oh yes he is, he is one heck of a man., so how can someone like him love someone like me, how is that even be possible, that’s totally going against the law of nature. I need to think, I need quiet, I turn off the inner mode, and take deep breaths, I need to think, he loves me, he wants to know what I feel about him, of course he would, after all I almost ran away, nearly running into a coffee table when he declared his love for me, why am I so clumsy, Rose focus, I tell myself, I left him hanging in there, I have to tell him something, oh! Come on why is this so hard? I am glad he hasn’t called; I would be shivering inside my pants if he did. I was so sure I feel the same way, all of a sudden why am I having second thoughts. I need to lie down, listen to some music, something soothing, I choose to listen to Lifehouse- You and me, this song, why did I choose this song? I love this song, it makes me all mushy mushy inside, I can’t think straight with this song, I need to change the tempo, some techno wouldn’t hurt, as the music plays, I seem to be moving on my bed swaying with the beat, bad idea, I can’t think this way, rather I stay in peace. I love the silence, finally I can think, I close my eyes, I see his face, that well made hair of his, with just a few strands kissing his forehead, his slender physique, his fair skin, his dark eyes, those eyes hold me captive every time our eyes lock, his eyes so beautiful yet so full of longing, longing for me? His lips, I have wanted to run my fingers across those lips, his broad shoulders, those shoulders I have wanted to rest my head on for like forever. Andrea the receptionist at our office, is eight shades of scarlet every time she sees him, well he has the same kind of effect on every woman at our office or at the coffee shop or at the restaurant we go to have lunch, I can’t help it, I feel a tad bit jealous, they practically throw themselves at him, as for me, I am just happy looking at him, he gets me my morning coffee, waits for lunch and sits with me at the coffee shop after work till I quench my thirst for nicotine, when his gaze meets my gaze, when he tucks my hair behind my ears, when he smiles at me, when he calls my name Rose, I am 800 shades of scarlet. As I am lost in my thoughts, my blackberry makes that annoying sound “ping”, I don’t want to get up, I want to be lost in my thoughts. I pout and walk towards my phone, cursing whoever decided to text me at this hour. It’s a text from him, shit – Patrick. I take a deep breath and read

Patrick:

I know it’s kind of late, I hope I didn’t wake you, I am literally dying here, I hope you understand. I am praying you feel the same way, as I do, please get me out my misery. Please don’t be sleeping right now, it’s urgent!

I am grinning, I love his attention. Oh! What do I say? My inner twin jumps at this opportunity, you say nothing she scolds, right then the 18 year old me interrupts, you say the feeling is mutual, you love him Rose. Yes, I love him, just the thought of him makes me smile, his fragrance seems to linger in my nose every time, yes I love him, the 18 year old me smiles, my inner twin disagrees, it’s just an infatuation she says, I am confused, I decide to shut them up.

What do I say, I don’t know!

Inbox, Patrick, reply

 Me: I don’t know! (send)

I don’t know! I said I don’t know. What if he thinks I don’t feel the same way for him, I am just confused, what if he doesn’t reply, no, I need to text again. No shouts my inner twin from a distance, this time the eighteen year old me nods approvingly. Wait, I wait for his reply.

*ping* I jump at this sound

Patrick: Elaborate!

Elaborate, how?

Me: I don’t know if what I feel for you is love or not, I am not sure, but you are the only man who has this effect on me, I want to be with you, I want to know what is it that I feel for you.

This seems a fair enough reply, I read it once, I read it twice, heck I read it ten times before sending it, There send!

Reply in less than 5 minutes, he sure knows what he is saying. He doesn’t have multiple personality disorder as I do, I chuckle at this thought.

*ping*

Patrick: Date then? J

I smile.

Me: When?

Send

*ping*

Patrick: Downstairs, waiting, come asap

Right now, I am wearing pajamas, no make up, I look horrible!

Me: In pajamas J

Send

*ping*

Patrick: Even better, I am sure you look cute. Waiting!

I jump on my feet. Run to the bathroom, wash my face, pinch my chicks to get the pink tint, fix my hair, well try to and run down stairs. My heart is in my mouth, I can hear my breathing, I can feel my throat pounding, I am nervous, excited and I am running to him. There standing under the street light, my own Greek god. I stand at a small distance, look at him, I am in an awe of him, he smiles his I-know-I-am-irresistible-smile,  I smile back. With a smirk he says “oh! You should have dressed up”

I frown and ask “who are the roses for?”

Still smirking he says “my other date”

Still frowning “go to her, I bet she is all dressed up” I say

He walks towards me, smiles at me his I-long-for-you smile, my knees tremble, he stands right in front of me, tucks my hair behind my ears.

“Roses for the most beautiful Rose” he says

I smile shyly. My inner twin and the eighteen year old are quiet, they are enjoying the show

He takes my hand and pulls me into his embrace. I smell him, feel his warmth. He looks down on me, tilts my chin to face him with his hands, our eyes lock, “I love you” he says, and “I will wait for you to say that” he says with a smile. I push myself a little closer to him, “I will say it soon” I say. My other shades are nodding in approval, oh his embrace feels so good, I want to touch his lips, be with him, like this  I don’t know for how long. Slowly I raise my hand, with my fingers I tug on his hair, slowly caress his face.  Standing underneath the street light, I caress his lips with my fingers; I close my eyes and kiss my Greek god. My inner twin and the eighteen year old me are smiling at my Happy beginning, yes, my Happy Begining