Just another love story

Have you ever wished you could break away?
Had the courage to walk out when you had the chance, just walk away before things got worse and your life came crumbling down.
I have. And I waited, I chose to endure what no woman even in her night mare would wish to experience.
I waited till he forced himself in me every night, I begged, I weeped, I shivered, I prayed but he didn’t stop until I told myself “he has done enough damage, run as fast as you can before you turn into an irreparable damaged good” And so I ran. 
My name is Natasha and that was my past, I am not a victim, I am a survivor and this is my story.
I was standing in a field of wild flowers, the wind kissing my face gently, I was wearing a long flowing dress, my hair flying away with the breeze, it was the happiest I had ever been. I spread my hands and took a deep breath for I didn’t know how long I would get to be here, time and again I felt something pulling me to a place I didn’t want to go back to, that pull I would like to describe as an electric current being passed through my being then I would hear some one call my name “Natasha”, then some one would scream it “ NATASHA”. 
Natasha wanted to ignore those voices, she wanted to live among these wild flowers, it was so beautiful and so livable. I finally was able to not pay attention to the unseen voices, my feet slowly moving forward, one step at a time, I convinced myself heaven would not be as beautiful as this place, a few steps farther was a stream that flowed to a river that the human eye couldn’t conceive, all the seven colors of the rainbow reflecting in this water made it look so very colorful, next to the stream were trees, tall, big, wide trees that sheltered Nightingales I could hear them sing a melancholy tune but even that melancholic sound seemed jolly and on the trees grew fruits, golden, silver fruits, colorful fruits, all in the same tree. It was a place to be explored and there was no stopping me. A few miles away from the trees I could see butterflies, rabbits and deer, in the midst of all those animals was something that sparkled, I couldn’t make out what is was from a distance, so slowly I moved forward. In anticipation and excitement I pranced forward happily, upon moving closer I figured it was a hole that sparkled, tempting, I felt a pull, it called me, I noticed all the animals staying far away from it but that didn’t stop me, little did I know only on the outside it was appealing. 
Nothing is ever as it seems, that glittered on the outside in the inside had a world of it’s own. It was big enough for me to stand and walk straight though it had a lot of nooks and crannies I decided to just go ahead and explore it. At first I stumbled on a rock but I didn't fall, as I was walking I felt this weird tingle go through the whole of my body, my shoulders started to feel heavy and my heart started to beat rapidly, I was breathing heavily when I started hearing footsteps, voices, cries, I felt hands coming out of the walls eager to grab me any moment I started to walk fast, the faster I walked the longer the hands grew. I had no courage to look behind, the footsteps seemed more closer, I was panicking, I was palpitating, I needed to lean some where and relax, the hands were still there, the footsteps were still following me but still I stood l in the middle of my path taking deep breaths, everything seemed calm for a while, till I felt something slither on my right leg and crawl in an upward motion, that’s when I jumped and I ran, alas! My rotten luck I tripped on my own dress and fell I hit my head on a big boulder, thud! Was the sound, I lay flat on back, blood oozing out of my forehead, till I was lying unconscious in the pool of my own blood.

“Try it again, 1 2 3, clear” I felt my body rise and fall in milliseconds, “one more time 1 2 3 clear, c’mon Natasha, wake up” I didn’t know where to go, I was in this hole lying in the pool of my own blood and now some one’s asking me to wake up, I want to sleep, but they are not letting me, my mom “mom” I yell, she is crying, oh god what did I do this time? Mom don’t cry I am here, my sisters look sad, why? I am here, I am coming to you, please don’t shed tears, I love you, please don’t cry, I saw everyone’s faces and amongst those faces I saw my dad in shock. I wanted to go put my arms around him and say I am fine, I will make it, I will, so I gathered all the courage in me, woke up I was soaked in my own blood still I followed the voices- ‘Natasha you are going to live, you hear us, we are not giving up on you”, slowly I felt something pull me under my own flesh, a deep sigh “she is back, she is back, pass me the oxygen mask” that was the first audible sound in my ears, “you are going to be alright, you are a fighter’ a man in a blue uniform was hovering over my face, while the other wore gloves and had an injection in his hand, I looked every where, it felt like my body was in motion, I saw machines, machines that made noises, machines that showed my heart beat, what had happened? My head was hurting, I was dehydrated, my body ached, I felt weak and my right hand cried in pain. It took a while for me to register I was in an emergency vehicle, I could smell blood all over me, their faces showed relief, how did I get here? I tried to get up, but body was tied down with wires of all sorts and ivys did I? Yes, I had tried to kill myself, I slit my wrists and I had lived. 
I was in a daze the first week, under constant observation I felt like a prisoner in the hospital. The only people that came to visit were my family, nurses, my doctor and his students and a psychiatrist. I had tried to kill myself, everyone wanted to know why? Suicide is a heinous crime and before they would let me go they wanted to make sure that thought will never cross my mind again. I don’t remember how many days I spent there, to me it seemed like months, I was sedated, I am not sure, one morning I remember this doctor enter my room, he was a young man, only later I found out he was doing his residency and was not bad looking. He came close to my bed, I pretended to sleep, it had been days since I spoke to anyone besides my therapist and I was in no mood to talk to any one, not even my dad. I heard him mumble something, It wasn’t very audible the sedatives were definitely working, all I could make out was “why would you do something like that?” When I heard him leave the room, I opened my eyes to see a bouquet of white roses sit next to my bed. He came everyday with roses, I heard him talk to my sisters, i heard console my mom and give hope to my dad. I overheard him and my therapist talk, I guess he was one of my doctors, she said (my therapist) ‘she has a lot of deep rooted issues and she feels guilty for making her loved ones go through this’. 
I did feel guilty, it hurt me to see my family hurt, they knew everything and they always hoped I would heal, but I never did, after three year of leaving my country and leaving my past behind I still tried to kill myself, would I ever heal? The only person I spoke to was my therapist, she was in her 40s, very understanding, she told me she lost one of her daughters too, she took sleeping pills the whole bottle, she was in love with a guy who would not love her the way she loved him. She was too weak to face rejection. She empathized with me, may be in me she saw her daughter. She told me I was making progress and would get to leave soon. . 
One day he came to my room, the doctor with white roses my mom and sisters were sitting with me, when he came they smiled and left us alone. This time he came with orange roses, he smiled, sat on the edge of my bed ‘ Your mom told me you love orange’ I smiled and said thank you.
“You know doctor’s don’t do this, actually they are not supposed to grow attached to their patients, no that I am a full fledged doctor I am only doing my residency it’s been 6 month, I know I am not making any sense but hear me out. When they first bought you here Dr. Stevens was assigned to your case, he is my father and he pulled me in to work with him, everyone felt sorry for you, a beautiful young woman like you why did you try to take your own life, I didn’t want to know that neither did I feel sorry for you,I wanted to know the girl who would survive it I felt different around you and I knew I had seen you somewhere that entire time I was trying to place you and then I remembered I had seen you at a bar, Hard times in fairfax city you were sitting with a friend drinking martini and you were going on about how you hated nursing school, I didnot eavesdrop much, i was playing pool, after finishing up my game I wanted to buy you a drink but you had already left, see I am not a weirdo, I liked you the moment I saw you”
He spoke in such a rapid manner, all I could do was nod. 
“Don’t be nervous” I said
He laughed.
“If you don’t mind let me take you out for dinner when you get out of this place?”
I nodded again.
He wrote his number on a piece of paper. 
My mother was happy, she would never approve of an American boyfriend but this one she approved of.

I had to meet my therapist every Friday till she felt I was not a threat to myself. Most of my time I spent lying on my bed or watching television, mom and dad tried their best not to let me out of their sight. One day my dad told me “you should go out, have fun”, i nodded, those days all I did was nod.
“Call that doctor” he said and gave me that paper.
I did. 
I rang a few times
‘Hello’
‘It’s me’ I was nervous I forgot to mention my name
‘I thought you would never call’ was his reply.
We agreed to meet after my therapist’s appointment, that was my fist date with Richard.
It’s been one and a half years and today he completes his residency. He has been so good to me, I wish to give him anything he wants today, after all his hard work has paid off. 
I have made reservations at his favorite restaurant, he will meet me there.
At 7.30 he shows up with a smile, he comes next to my chair and plants a kiss on my cheek. 
He is so in love with me, I wish I could give him my one hundred percent too.
“What can I give you today?” I ask with a smile
“I will get anything?” he asks mischievously
I nod
“I want to see your home” he says
Confused, I reply “You’ve seen it a thousand times”
“No silly, I want to see your real home Nepal”
Before I could say anything he says “You promised” and pulls out a box from his pocket ad pushes it towards me ‘whenever you are ready just say yes”
Will I ever be ready?
6 months and I always carry that ring in my bag, I haven’t said yes yet, I want him to see my past, my friends, the life that I lived first, so today we are going home, Nepal
Home will always be home, the air, the food, the people, they have a different taste. He seems mesmerized my Kathmandu, he didn’t want to rest but I insisted. We visited all of my favorite shrines, from the biggest Hindu temple Pashupatinath to the most peaceful place in the world Swyambhunath. We were there for a month, so we had plenty of time to explore, I even took him to Pokhara, oh god, he loves that place. I am glad we went to Nepal that is where I knew I could give my whole self to him, I was running away from my past but he made me strong enough to face it, he made me believe I was strong to go back and meet my friends, meet my people. All the while he had been my savior, loving me unconditionally and finally I saw it.

That night, October 26th 2008, I remember almost 6 years back was the night Nikhil walked out on me leaving a scar that would never heal. He is a married man now, I wanted to see him, I wanted to tell him I survived. The trauma physical and psychological he put me through I survived. It would be a miracle if I get to see him tonight October 26th 2013. We were getting ready to go this party at one of my favorite places in Kathmadu, I was wearing a red dress, he looked at me and said “Has any one ever told you red makes you look like a princess, absolutely stunning” I shook my head. 
“He told me red made me look cheap, it made me look like a whore” Richard looked at me surprised, I had never discussed my past with him, what he knew was from my mom and my sisters, he never forced me to talk about it. He came close and wiped my tears ‘ You are my princess’ he said and I smiled with all my heart. 
Everyone I knew were at that party, they all seemed to love Richard, they enjoyed his company while he mingled with my friends I started mingling with other people at the party, I knew most of them. In that crowd I spotted Nikhil, I stood still when I saw him walktowards me.
“Long time” he said
I nodded
My ears started to burn, I wanted to slap him, I wanted to yell “ You fucking coward do you beat your wife every night, do you rape her when she says no i don’t want to have sex tonight”
I saw images in front of my eyes, i heard voices, him calling mea whore, a cunt, him slapping me, punching me, kicking me, sitting on top me and fondling me when I begged him to stop. Tears started to run down my eyes, he reached out for a napkin with a smirk on his face and held it in his hand, I stood there looking at him, my hands about to hit him hard on his face, when I felt someone wrap his hand around my waist. 
“Babe don’t waste your time with a stranger’ he whispered
I relaxed a little.
“He is dead, don’t let him him bring out the worst in you, he doesn’t even deserve to see that” he whispered again and planted a kiss on my the back of my neck
I relaxed a lot. 
“I love you” he said 
And I smiled. That is when I knew what I had to do. I took that ring out of my purse, looked Richard in the eye, I looked at Nikhil, his face disgusted me, I turned back to Richard and I got down on my knees, in front of everyone he stepped back a little shocked his eyes filled with tears
I said “ I love you and I am sorry I made you wait, I love you very much, you are my confidant, my best friend and I say yes” 
To my surprise he got down on his knees and said “Finally, marry me?”
I nodded.
He kissed me I kissed him back. October 26th 2013 the most memorable night of my life. 
Love is not a feeling you can control, it is the force which rules your soul, love kills and love heals. Love saved me. Love healed me

Love, my reality

Love, I have fallen in and out of it so many times.

Love, when you want to write, easiest topic to write about.

Love, you love your dog, that little black dress, your one and only Chanel bag, you love a person.

Love, confusing and yet so intriguing.

Love, at times shattering.

Love, at times healing.

I have met men, men of different ethnicity, color, built, facial structure. Some men left a hollow spot in my heart, some left a mark.

Some went out of their way to win me over, some assumed I would just read their minds and some walked all over me. I have always let the third kind of male species rule my life, even when they were no longer a part of it. I have so many fond memories of the first two kinds and now I want to give them importance.

I met him when I was recovering, I was collecting the pieces of my broken heart, I was soothing my charred soul. He came like the soft breeze, touching me gently, helping me gradually. He is the one who has left a mark in my heart, he is the one who expected me to read his feelings with out him displaying it. He was my savior, he doesn’t know, when I hurt I long for him, he fills up the void in me.

He is the man I would want to make babies with. He would be a perfect life partner. But he is a friend, a friend I would like to keep for life.

It’s not about winning neither it’s about losing, his memories are enough to make me smile. We never made promises, we never tried hard to be a part of each other’s life but some how the thread that connected us was always intact, funny, even when we are oceans apart it still is.

He is an average looking man with a heart bigger than the Kalahari desert.

He says “ We will never be together, but I make you happy and that’s what matters the most”

He says “ You had your chance, you blew it” and laughs

He says “ I will always love you, I would never leave you for the dogs” and he means it

He wants me to be happy. I kid around a lot, I am a teenager with him. I am at ease in hin presence- tangible or intangible.

I tell him “I think I want to die”- he doesn’t react much just says “don’t say things like that”

I tell him “ I want to see the world”. He smiles and says “which ever part of the world I am in, when you start traveling that’s the first place you will visit”

He doesn’t have a loud voice. He is a gentleman, the kind that opens the car door for you, pulls your chair, holds your coat, you get my point.

So, why? Are you stupid? Seriously girl he was a catch, what is wrong with you? Might be the questions you want to ask me.

I have the answers ready.

I am an emotionally damaged piece, very hard to fix. I go down and take others down with me.

I don’t need so much loving, I am the wrong person, i don’t deserve it and I didn’t want to hurt him. I have always believed actions speak louder than words, but I could never hear his actions speak, I chose not to.

He was too good for me, he still is. He deserves some one as good as him if not better than him. I want him to be happy and that is possible if he and I always stay friends. I am a pusher, I think I enjoy pushing people away, that’s my shield, I pushed him, again and again, he didn’t budge all he said was “ I am here to stay if not as a lover, as a friend for life”- I am glad he meant it.

His name is Kevin. I will never forget him.

I have been very lucky with men, most of the times, excluding the part where I met a screwed up retard. He is not the center of this story, he doesn’t deserve to be. The center of this story is the one who went out of his way to win me over.

Now, let me introduce you to Aron- our love and hate relationship shall be told and it will be immortal.

He was the first man to pursue me, he chased, I ran, he gave up, I gave in and the game was never ending.

He is possessive, his girl or not, I will always be his girl. I know it’s confusing.

He would punch a man right in his face if it meant to protect me. He would jump in the line of fire to save me and this I can bet my life on.

He is arrogant, oh my his arrogance knows no bounds, loves himself so much that you could build a different world based on his narcissism.  So how did I fit in his I, me, myself bubble? – he met his match.

Him and I met at a pub. We had a common friend and that is how he won the challenge. Challenge you may think, continue reading

I was oblivious to his presence even though he stood right next to me, I didn’t notice him when he followed me to the bar neither did I give him attention when we were out in the cold smoking. That was me pretending.

I caught his attention because his narcissistic self didn’t get any from me.

“What’s your number?” he caught me off guard

“ I don’t talk to strangers” was my come back. Lame.

“C’mon, my name is Aron, stranger no more, number?”

“You are a weirdo. No”

“Okay. Give me 24 hours and I will find it out myself, when I do, you and I go on a lunch date”

“Agreed, and yes if we do go on that date get me a bouquet of yellow roses and dark chocolates, my favorites”

“Sure, just so you know 24 hours is a lifetime to win a such small challenge, this world is a small place Maya” He knew my name, I should have known

After three hours I get a call, yes from Aron and so began our love and hate relationship.

Yes, I did get my yellow roses and dark chocolates, I am not exaggerating, but I got a hundred dark chocolates.

That was one of the best lunches I ever had. He will always be the one to make me laugh.

He and I hung out every day, till one day I cried, cried my heart out and told him I was not ready. He said he was impatient, I could do nothing about it.

He disappeared with out a trace. I was guilty and I hated him for not being patient.

I remember he said once he didn’t want anything to do with me. I am so glad he didn’t mean it.

“You know I will always love you not because I have to. I care about you. The feelings I have for you are so genuine it makes me mad” this is what I hear from him every day.

We have a pact if by thirty both of us are single and unmarried, we will marry each other. Lord have mercy on us. I am Jerry and he is Tom.

I miss my Tom every day.

Nathan was supposed to be a fling, wham bam thank you mam kind of fling. My rotten luck all the men that have come into my life don’t leave. It’s like I have a net and they are tangled in it.

I met Nathan when I was drunk. I made out with him that night. Totally unaware that I would run into him almost everyday of my life.

After the making out party, we ran into each other again, actually on several occasions  when he finally asked if I liked coffee, of course I love coffee.

That’s how we sat down to talk. Awkward.

“Why do you have to be s different?” he asked

My answer was “ I don’t know”

The beauty of our relationship was that we could pick up where we left. Even a simple reply as “ I don’t know” said everything.

He tried his best to figure me out but he failed miserably.

Nathan is the one that got away.

Would I get it right if I get a second chance, no. I love that he got away and came back.

We play hide and seek, that’s why our bond is so different.

There is never a moment of silence, never umm or blank- we always have something to talk about.

If I want it hide from this world, i would run to him, he would keep me hidden in his secret haven.

I think about him everyday .

I would not change a thing about how my relationships with these men is or how it could have been.

We might have loved, we might have hated each other’s guts. We might have vowed never to speak to each other again, it’s all about what could have been and what is.

I will not have them as lovers, they are not even friends, they are just special, people who make memories beautiful, future look pleasant, they make my life just easy.

They all got away but they stayed.  And that’s the beauty in it- in the relationship we share.

“It’s not like I wanted to do this.
I didn’t. It just happened.
Look at me Mr. FBI  you think I am pretty, I appeal to your senses” she said confidently.
She smiled her sultry smile, moved closer, brushed my hair with her finger tips, her breath on my face, she said in a seductive voice
“You want me
They died because they wanted to bite my lips, tear me apart, they wanted to squeeze and suckle on  these” she touched her breasts.
I was embarrassed but that was her way, things were going her way, we had no other choice.
It was a hot July Monday, the AC in the interrogation room was on full blast but the room was getting hotter every minute. She was appealing, I had to keep my mind focused. Focus, I had to focus on the task at hand, me and my team wanted answers- why?
We found our fist victim on New Year’s eve 2010, he was naked with his genitals cut off lying on the snow in route 96, a woman driving by saw the body and called the police immediately,  after  they discovered 2 more bodies  we were called in to help. We created a profile, for almost a year we thought the killer was a man, a homosexual man, we haven’t had many women serial killers and we never thought a woman could kill so mercilessly. I was the lead profiler on this case, I ate, I breathed, I lived this case. I wanted to meet her, the woman who killed good looking and successful men with out flickering an eye lash.  5 bodies, no suspects and vague witnesses the case was going no where. I was frustrated, angry, I was failing myself. I was engaged, in love but Miranda decided to walk out on me, she felt I gave this case more priority than her, than us. When Miranda walked out I made her (I like to refer to the killer as her because at that time I didn't know her name) my goal, if I found her I would be triumphant, that’s when I decided to devote myself in finding her.
She whistled in my ear and snapped her fingers
“Wake up” she said. My goal, I should feel triumphant.
There she was wearing red stilettos and a body hugging black dress, she came in voluntarily, I guess she dressed up  for the occasion. After Miranda left I started receiving letters, they were from her, every time from different addresses, in one of the letters she mentioned how she thought my ex fiance was ugly and I was better off with out her, she said she wanted to meet me and she wanted to look her best when she did. Now here she is looking like a goddess, only this goddess doesn't have a halo around her, she has bloody hands and a sick mind. The entire department stood still when she walked right to my desk and said “where can we get some privacy?”, I made her my goal, she made me to some extent the object of her affection.

The interrogation room.

She wanted to play games, I waited for her for 2 years, I was not interested in playing her games.
Her gaze were fixated on me, I swear I didn't even see her blink. It felt as if she was looking straight through me. Her focus on me made me quiver, it felt like she knew all my secrets. I am not a good man, I have done things that I am not proud of.
“I have studied you Richard, day in and day out, you were looking for me and I had already found you
I thought you would recognize me, we had this bond. You are so dumb. You wanted me and I was throwing myself at you” she laughed a wicked laugh, she ran  her long nails covered in blood red nail polish through her dark brunette hair
She was the puppeteer and I was her puppet.
I remember Miranda had recently walked out of my life and there  was this beautiful woman always smiling at me, welcoming me,every day when I went to get my coffee at the Main St Starbucks,  I couldn't resist  so one day I invited her to drink with me. I met her that night at a bar near Main St, she lived in the same neighborhood, she was smart, sexy, funny, beautiful what more could a heart broken, frustrated man ask for. She seemed so genuinely interested in me, in things I did, I was in an awe of her. That night as I drove her home she asked if I wanted to go up to her apartment and talk for a while, I couldn't say no.  We were in her living room, I sat on the couch, while she went to get something to drink, she came smiling slyly, “ I have a treat for you” she said, placed the bottle and the glasses on the table and took her dress off.
She was stunning and I was surprised but I am a man. She sat on top of me, undid my belt and my pants, she slid her hands inside my pants, held my penis and kissed me vigorously. I was aroused, I wanted to fuck the living day lights out of her, I threw her on the couch, undressed my self, she whispered in my ears “I like it wild and rough, you better spank me hard” , that night I  let out my anger and agitation, I was aggressive, she liked it that way and I was - stress free.
“What are you thinking?” She said.
“Why?” I asked
“I am not in the mood to discuss it”
“That’s why you are here”
“I wanted to see you”
“Don’t play games. I am done with your games’
“Oh! Poor baby did mama hurt your feelings” she said and laughed again
I was starting to get angry.
“Just fucking tell me!” I yelled
“You look hot when you are angry, I could make you angrier”
“I want to know why you killed those men, please I beg you, things are going your way aren’t they, please ” I pleaded, that was my last resort.
We continued seeing each other, I needed a friend and she was there, I needed a lover and she was there, I needed a confidant, there she was and sex was always awesome.
I told her how the “Killer Lady” as the media had named her had taken over my life. I told her about the case and how we had no leads, I showed her the letters, she was so understanding and she empathized with me, she was just perfect. She always assured me we would, I would catch her, I told her I wouldn’t be in peace till I found her. Jane had become my safe harbor, I knew I would always be thankful for  her.
“You want to know why?, I will tell you why”
“ See, Richard, men think with their penises, I know this because those men I killed only wanted sex, the kinkier the better, even if it meant strangling, whipping spanking, even when it involved a  knife they didn’t say no to sex, so what do you expect me to do with those men, worship them? No, no, adore them? Fuck no, kill them- YES.
At times being pretty is a curse, ever since I was a little girl, say 8 years old men wanted to get inside my pants. See, my mom and dad were extremely religious people we were forced to be religious too, every thing revolved around god. My brother and I were 8 years apart, my parents loved him very much, they called me the Devil’s child, I suppose my brother was the God’s child. I remember on my 8th birthday, I was lying on my bed when my brother entered my room, mom and dad were already asleep. He said he had a surprise me, he told me to take my clothes off if I wanted the surprise, I did and he he took his off too, he touched me and made me touch him, every where,  every where, I was only 8 and my surprise was a bag of candies. A fucking bag of candies” she yelled.
She was filled with rage. She got up for her chair and walked towards the wall, she stood facing the wall and screamed.
“When I was 10 I told my mom that her son was touching me, she said I bought it on myself, it was God’s way of teaching me a lesson, lesson for what though?, God loves his children. My brother raped me till I was 16, 8 years of abuse and rape. So, when I turned 18 I left that house to start a new life but I couldn’t do it, I hated men, I couldn’t let any one in, that’s when I knew what I had to do. I went back to our parents’ house, I was 22 then my brother was living alone at that time, I seduced him that night, he took his thing out and I cut it, it made me feel ecstatic than I stabbed him again and again, it was so euphoric, I knew I couldn’t stop doing it, I needed it to feel good”
 “ Why didn’t you kill me Jane, I am also a man, I fell for you?” I asked, I was hurt. Yes, I was very hurt.
You can imagine my surprise when I saw Jane walk straight to my desk, I assumed she wanted to say hi but she wanted privacy I thought she was pregnant or wanted to break up, but she sat on that fucking chair with no remorse and she continued to play her game and she continued to win.
“Oh poor Richard, I have seen men hang onto their dear life, I have seen them gasping for their last breath, the excitement in that disappears as they lay lifeless on the ground. Your suffering will last for a long time, every time you see me or I see you or even think about you, I will get pleasure in knowing you are suffering, you will never heal, you will be just like me, you will be punished like those men but your pain will last long, like mine did, you will relive the pain again and again"
“Why me?”
“Because you are one of them, just  another man”.

Good bye

The falling leaves tell me,

It’s time to say good bye.

Red is turning into black,

Day is turning into night,

Honey, it’s time to say good bye.

My vision must be a distant memory

I feel your hand slipping away

I cannot tighten my grasp

Darling, it’s inevitable

It’s time to say good bye

Wine drips from the corner table with a rhythm

Pay attention, tic toc, tic toc

The beating of my heart is slowing down

Ignore it, tic toc, tic toc

The clock is ticking

Baby, don’t cry

It’s time to say good bye

The fear in your eyes scares me

It tells me, I am not ready yet

What do we do?

Good bye is unfathomable

Don’t! You will hurt more

Sweet heart, there is no pause

It’s time to say good bye

It’s not your fault

Wait, love, don’t give up yet

Look at me, smile

Please, I beg you

Don’t make it hard

It’s time to say good bye

One last kiss is what I seek

I know you’re not ready

But Fate cannot be re-written

There!  I see it

 The dark shadow

Waiting in a corner

Hey! I am leaving, it’s time

Beloved, it’s time to say good bye

Good bye!

 1

Loneliness

Loneliness-

You and I

Let’s write a love song

Till the music in our souls is sung

Loneliness-

You and I

Let’s dance to the beating of our hearts

Till our shoes fall apart

Loneliness-

You and I

Let’s run hand in hand

Till we reach a house by the sand

Loneliness-

You and I

Let’s gaze at the sun light

Till our mornings are shining bright

Loneliness-

You and I

Let’s drink to our bond

Till our spirits soar far and beyond

Loneliness-

You and I

Let’s promise with our hearts

Till death do us apart

Loneliness-

You and I

Let it be known

It’s just You and I

Loneliness-

You and I

Soul mate for an hour.

There he was sitting in that restaurant, drinking red wine. I was standing behind the glass doors a little adjacent to his table, I could see him very well, but he hadn't noticed me yet, I stood there looking at his magnificently structured face, his jaw line broad enough to make him look irresistible, his nose which perfectly matched his eyes and lips, he was a wine drinking Greek god, pretty content sitting all by himself. I couldn't take a step further, I just wanted to stand out side that restaurant door drinking him in while he drank his wine, I wished to go to his table and ask him if the table was taken, but that would be too cheesy.  People came in and they went out of that restaurant, I stood there like a dumb fool, magnetized by a man.

 “Yes, ma we are driving to Betsy’s place, please don’t bother me, no I am not with any guy, I am with my friends, c’mon ma, trust me, okay love you, bye” , when you stand where you are not supposed to, staring at a man, you tend to eaves drop in some one else’s conversation, even though that is not your intention. She, who ever she was, was wearing a slutty tight red dress, I swear if I had a measuring tape her heels would be exactly 5 inches, she was not with Betsy, she was not driving anywhere, she was standing at  a corner with her tongue down some hooligan’s throat and she told her mom to trust her, if she were my daughter I would put her on a leash. My Greek god was still drinking his wine, while the slut was busy letting some loser feel her up, she was begging him to take her to his place, I felt sorry for her mom, I really did. I wish I hadn’t seen or heard that, I just wanted to tell her, have some respect for your mom, you just told her to trust you but I don’t like to meddle in someone else’s business, that particular time all I wanted to do was be magnetized my him. He had his phone in his hand, looked like he was messaging some one, was he waiting for some one? Date? Meeting? Wife? , I was not ready to leave with out knowing who he belonged to. At times a glass door is all it takes to make two people seem worlds apart, one simple glass door, made with silica, sodium oxide, lime, separating two living, breathing people. That glass door seemed so claustrophobic, it was there, just a door, but it was a barrier, an amorphous obstacle. I put my hand on the glass barricade, thinking, if I was the one he was waiting for, actually if I were that person I would never make him wait, I would love him madly and he would love me with all his heart and might, we would get married on a beach, with our closest of friends, I would wear a white chiffon gown, diamond ear rings and pendant, to add some color I would wear a red rose on my hair and red shoes, he would be amazed by me, that day we would vow – Till death do us apart, our lives would begin with each other and end with each other, there would never be any one else, besides our flesh and blood. We would honeymoon in Italy, make love every day and night, our honey moon would not be over,  Italy or not,  it wont be over in our house, love making will never die, candles, chocolates, hot baths, everything, and one fine day I will be pregnant, we will have a baby girl, her name will be “Anastasia”, she will have blues eyes, she will be a brunette, she will look as good as her mom and dad. I am a good looking woman, I can say that because I look at myself in the mirror everyday, plus when I am walking or at a restaurant or a coffee shop, out of 5, three men always give me that look, they smile, I frown and walk away. My standards when it comes to men are pretty high, I wouldn’t just smile for some random stranger, I will only smile if that stranger speaks to my heart. With just a look, that stranger has to make me feel giddy, butterflies, happy, nervous, in 5 seconds I need to feel all that, I know I am a weird person, I always believe the day I meet that person I would be the happiest. I could feel butterflies flutter inside my stomach, my palms were sweaty which definitely meant I was nervous, I was smiling, my lips were stretched from one corner to the other, I was happy, I wanted to act a like a teenage, especially when she sees her crush, I was feeling all those feelings, it was him, my stranger inside that amorphous glass. I was being drawn towards him, I was thinking about him in every possible way, I felt his lips on mine, and I sighed in a moaning kind of way, we were kissing passionately, his hand reaching for my dress’s zipper, in my mind we were making love and I was getting excited, that is when it happened, he looked up, he looked at me and I froze. He continued to look at me, I didn’t look away, I swear in that moment, I felt infinite, he was making me alive with just his stare. It was like he was speaking to my soul, telling me to be happy because I deserve to, telling me love is just around the corner. You know, I read a book by Paulo Coelho called Brida, that book talks about soul mates, for some reason that very moment I had to think about that book, my mind started to wander, why oh why? Why cant soul mates recognize each other and even if one does, the other one can’t, why? I felt this happening to me right now, I recognized him but he would never recognize me, he would just stare at me, thinking I am a freak, standing outside a restaurant, staring inside, he will think I am poor, homeless, and I am hungry, my dear, you have chained my feet to the ground, you, I wish I could whisper those words in his ears. He continued to kill me with his stare, he didn’t take his eyes off of the glass door as he stood up, to hug a beautiful, blonde wearing a red dress, not too short nor too long, she knew her clothes well, she was beautiful, she jumped into his arms, his lips on hers, my stomach felt sick, why? I don’t know, mentally in that half hour he belonged to me. After their kiss, he hugged her, and looked up to look at me, then he smiled, he smiled at me. I smiled back, I smiled hard, I laughed and I walked away, thinking how many times I must have come across a stranger, how many times I must have fallen in love with him in an instant, how many times I must have made him my soul mate, many times, many times. That’s just me, I paint pictures of love in my mind, I find my soul mates every day, I am weird that way, I am lonely that way and I am happy that way. 

Us

I say hello

You say good bye.

I smile

You frown.

I look at you

You look for her.

I talk to you

You talk about her.

I listen to your woes

You ignore my pleas.

I reach for your hand

You reach for hers.

I cry when you hurt

You hurt when she cries.

I run to you

You run for her.

I say let me walk beside you

You say let me follow her.

I say I want you

You say you need her.

I say I love you

You say I love her.

I say farewell my love

You say hello heart break.

I say hello

You say good bye

Nischay and Arpita - part 4

“It’s raining!” I exclaimed, excited, as if I had never seen rain before

“Yes, I can see, it is raining” he replied, not as happy as me

I sat on a bench, next to the gazebo where he ran for cover, he is not the kind of person who would love getting soaked in the rain. I wanted the rain to infuse  my hair, my eyes, my face, my body, as I sat on that bench getting soaked from head to toe, I regretted coming to see him. May be expecting to see the same smile on his face when he saw me before was totally wrong, he was indifferent, my presence had no effect on him and that hurt.

“You will catch cold, come here” he yelled

I sat there with out moving, pretending not to hear when people tell me something is my forte, and hence, I just sat there.

“I don’t want you falling sick, I have better things to do than take care of you, stop acting like a child Arpita, when will you grow up?”

For a moment there I was ready to get up and walk to him, but something in me told me to stay put, I can be stubborn as hell when I need to, he was right I was acting like a child, I would rather fall sick and go back home than listen to him, my ego always gets me in trouble. My mind was wandering aimlessly, I didn’t even realize he was standing in front of me, getting drenched, he didn’t look  happy.

“Let’s go”

“I am enjoying this, you need to loosen up, standing in the rain for a while won’t kill you”

“And you need to grow up”

“You don’t need to tell me that”

“Arpita”

“Nischay”

“You are crazy”

“And you are a tight ass”

He laughed, I don’t even know what that means, I can be pretty creative.

“Let’s go, please, I beg you, I am not asking or ordering you, I am begging you, please”

I made my face, an expression  that lets people know when I am forced to do something, I do it because I don’t want people nagging me, its just that I make my face when I do it, just to get the message across, I pout, my nose is all wrinkled, and I squint my eyes, that’s the expression. I look horrendous, but who cares.

He walked ahead of me, he knew I was not going to run to the car, we were already soaking wet, so 5 more minutes in the rain would be more or less the same.

We walked to his car with out saying a word. He opened the car door for me, the ignition was on, “where to?” he asked

“I don’t know”

“Lets go home and change first, than we will go get dinner or something, I have to meet Serena later tonight, she is going to Boston with her friends for a week”

Serena, as soon as her name came up, I stayed quiet. I am not the jealous type, I haven’t even seen her and I am hating her already, I have hated many women because they were and are associated with my Nischay.  Nischay is mine, was always mine, some other girl cannot barge into his life, she cannot replace me, can she?

“Hey” he nudged me

“What?”

“What do you want to do?”

“Nothing”

“Arpita, stop acting like a child again, please, are you here to spend some time with me or are you here to pout?”

“Both”

He laughed again, I like it when he laughs, he makes me want to laugh as well, what is it about him, I can’t move on no matter how hard I try. I have dated so many men, or let me say tried to date, every time they held my hand, kissed me or told me they loved me I imagined Nischay, and when he came forward and confessed his feelings I ran away, I pushed him away and now I am back, hoping- hope is all I have.

I don’t know why I am here, Philadelphia, whatever I was thinking wanting to come here, I remember his surprise when I called him out of the blue, we both were silent for a while and he said “good to hear from you” than I told him I had to see him, I needed to see him, he said okay, come, with out even asking why, I guess he knew already, we share this bond, its hard to describe what it is, we want to move on but we go round and round the  same circumference and come back to the center, at times he comes back and pulls me there or I come back and pull him there. This time it’s me. All of this started because of me, and I have to find a conclusion to us, for both of us, that’s the only way we can be happy, with or without each other.

We reached his place, it’s on the third floor, Nishay is pretty neat, so his apartment is always clean, refrigerator is well stocked, he is not a big fan of diet coke, but since I am here, his fridge is piled up with it. We both were soaking wet and it was a little cold in his apartment, I started to shiver, he came to me took my hand and rubbed it, I know it was stupid of me but I pulled my hand away, I wanted to caress his face, his beautiful face that always makes my heart beat fast and slow at same time, I was sitting on a couch and he was kneeling in front of me, with his fingers he tucked my wet hair behind my ears, “you will catch cold, go change” he said

“don’t interrupt this moment, I have been waiting for this for a long time, I’ve missed you so much” I said

I leaned towards him, our lips were almost touching, his warm breath warming me from the inside, the tingly feeling in my stomach was making me breathe heavily when his phone rang, “don’t answer” I said, but it continued ringing, “please” I said but he got up and answered it, that’s Nischay.

“Yes, I will see you before 7”, “okay, I will try, I have to tell you something as well” “bye, me too”, this is all I heard him say, I figured it was Serena, she must have  asked him to meet her and at the end she must have said I love you and hence he said me too. He loves her.

“I need to shower ” he said

I smiled.

“You need to change as well, I need to meet her and her sister for dinner, I am sorry, I might not come back, will you be alright?”

He might not come back and I came here to see him. He doesn’t care about me, he would rather leave me alone and spend the night with her, I get it, I am not that dumb.

“Don’t worry about me, I will explore this city”

“Thank you, I will see you tomorrow”

And that was it, our moment interrupted by her phone call. I went to his room, my bags were inside his room, fiddled through my bag, took out my red dress, it’s pretty short, full sleeve, with an open back, I look ravishing in it, I was going to go out, have fun and find some one to talk to, I was not going to stay here broken hearted. Then a thought occurred to me, may be I should prepone my ticket, leave tomorrow, when I think of something I just do it, I am very impulsive and hence I did it.

He came out of the shower, I just froze there, that tingly feeling in my stomach was back. We’ve known each other for long, but we’ve never shared a room or stayed together even for a day, it was uncomfortably intimate. I ran inside the bathroom before anything showed in my face. I got ready, he was waiting for me, I came out, he was busy using his phone, he didn’t even notice me come out

“ I am ready”

He looked up and didn’t say a word for a while

“You look amazing”

“Thank you”

“So what are you planning to do?”

“Umm, nothing, get dinner, go to a bar, get something to drink and come back”

“Take my car, I will get a cab”

“No, no it’s not necessary”

“Arpita”

“Nischay”

“Take the key”

“Okay”

“See you tomorrow”

And so we parted ways, I should have told him, I might be leaving tomorrow, but it wouldn’t matter to him anyways.

I opened the door to his car, the driver’s seat was still wet, his car had a peculiar smell,  the smell was soothing, yes,  it smelled of Nischay. I drove around for a while and stopped at this place called “The Hard times” took me 15 minutes to find a parking spot. That place was pretty nice, I saw a lot of good looking men, so I knew I was at a good place. I headed straight to the bar, and ordered a Cosmopolitan, I am such a girl. Nischay must be busy kissing her, caressing her face, she must be feeling him every where, kissing him everywhere, even there, I shouldn’t even be thinking about that, I need to get my mind off of it. I was on my second glass, when this guy came and sat next to me, he asked for a beer and a glass of Cosmo, I didn’t realize but it was for me. We started talking, his name was Jeff, we didn’t have much in common but he was hot. I was already a little tipsy and one thing led to another before I realize we were wrestling with our tongues, it felt good to not think about Nischay. I invited him back to my place- Nischay’s place, I opened the door, he had already unzipped my dress, I took it off and left it in the living room floor, he carried me and we were on Nischay’s bed, we were up all night, it had been a while  may be I was into it because a part of me felt that I had lost Nischay for good.

I was sleeping when I heard Nischay call my name, “why is this dress on the floor?”  I woke up startled and saw that guy sleeping on his bed, next to me, I don’t even remember his name, and I was naked. Nischay opened the door, looked at me, he had a bouquet of yellow roses in hand my favorite flowers and Starbucks. At first he looked puzzled, then his face grew angry,  he threw the roses and coffee on the floor and yelled.

“Who the fuck is this motherfucker?”

I wanted to jump out of the bed, but I was naked, that guy woke up, I couldn’t even remember his name.

“Who are you?” he said to Nischay

“Who the fuck am I? This is my bed, my place and that’s my girl you fucked last night”

He said my girl you fucked last night, that was disrespectful and how am I his girl when he spent his night with Serena?

That guy looked puzzled, he got up took his shirt and pants started to walk towards Nischay, Nischay punched him out of the blue, his nose started to bleed but he left with out saying anything. It was only Nischay and me, I knew we were going to fight, I was ready.

“ Nischay, I can explain”

“You don’t need to explain, Arpita, you will never change, you are a desperate slut, that is what you are”

“Watch your tone and don’t use such words Nischay, you went to spend the night with her, did I say anything? How am I your girl, when was I ever yours, not last night when you went to her and today I am yours all of a sudden?”

“I went to her to tell her I was in love with some one else, I always have been, she told me to stay with her for one last time and I did, nothing happened, she loves me Arpita and I for some reason chose you”

I froze, I couldn’t speak a word, I had to find something to say, I was nervous as hell.

“I am sorry, I thought I had lost you forever”

“And so you go, find some guy bring him here, to fuck him, that’s what you’ve been doing for a year now, fucking random men?”

“Nischay enough”

“No, you are a whore and I am sorry that I love you, I am fucking sorry but you don’t deserve me”

He was shouting, yelling things like a crazy man, he was calling me names- bitch, whore, slut, I was getting angry and emotional, I had to stop him but he wouldn’t listen, so I slapped him, yes I did, than I got his attention, I apologized, caressed his face and we kissed, first it was slow and then it was aggressive, we were kissing our anger and hurt away and before we knew it we were on his bed again. We made love that day, the entire day, he told me he loved me and I told him I loved him too. I still love him you know and he does too, we were always made for each other but took us forever to find each other.

Love always finds it’s way, if its meant to be, it found us and I hope it will always find us.

Him and Me

My brain is taking one thousand revolutions every second, I am trying to juxtapose my thoughts, my intention of putting my thoughts in order is simple- I want to write, different, yes something different from what usually sprouts in my very busy brain but with my brain making not so graceful summersaults every second, writing seems as difficult as climbing Mount. Everest would be.

 Yes, writing is a tedious task, especially when your mind wanders around, visits the Titanic at the bottom of Atlantic Ocean one minute, the other reaches Saturn, wondering if alien babies play on it’s rings. As I am typing word after word, not exactly knowing where this is headed towards I am going to write about the first thought that comes to my mind as I finish typing this sentence.

“You are the corniest and sappiest girl I’ve ever met. You are the most confused and naïve person I have ever come across” yes, this is what I am thinking about, some one said this to me once actually he says this to me every day but he uses different words, his vocabulary is pretty commendable. Let me not mention his name, I am sure if he reads this he will gloat, he is the kind of person who gloats especially when he serves truth to me straight on the rocks and that’s what I like about him, I don’t scare him, most men for some reason are scared of me, they think I am Medusa, or some dragon that breathes fire or he is a master of deception and can easily not show what he is truly feeling.   Mentioning his name would mean giving him immense importance and my ego which is thrice the size of Asia, would not appreciate it at all; it is already frowning as this is going to be about him. I would like to refer to that person as Him, Him is his new name, my ego is already praying he never reads this, even if he does, we both hope, me and my ego that is- he will never mention it.

Him, what is it about Him, that is making me write this, as a reader you may ask. Truth be spoken, I don’t know the answer. I have a lot of this might be the reason why answers but I am not sure. May be it’s  his boyish smile, the mischievous grin he has on his lips when he says no to everything I ask for- whether it be a candy or a movie, may be the twinkle (it might be manifested by my imagination) I see in his eyes when I smile at him and laugh at his stupid yet witty side comments, may be because he thinks I hate him, and I know I will never tell him how much I like him even when I know I might not see him again and writing this is the only way to gather my scattered feelings. I have never written for and about any one, this is a first, I want to write because I know he won’t care, won’t make an ounce of difference to him, he won’t flicker an eye lid if I tell him I grow fonder every day and lose myself even at the mention of his name, he won’t say a word and that will hurt, I can already feel the pain piling on top of my heart.

Him is not as tall as me, I say this with a smile on my face, I have big eyes, he has small eyes, he is fair, I am brown, he doesn’t care, I care, I think about him almost everyday, he doesn’t, he is witty, he says I am not, he says I am such a foreigner, I say yes I am, he reads, I read, when he looks into my eyes, I shy away, he tells me I don’t trust him, I tell him I don’t but leave out the part “I want to trust you”, he and I are from different planets, at times his bitter words pierce my heart, but I just smile, he doesn’t care, so I don’t tell him how I hurt when he doesn’t care, he always puts up a show, wears a mask to cover his vulnerabilities, I open myself like a book, turn the pages of my life and read it to him, he makes me smile, he makes me angry, he hurts me and unknowingly he heals the wounds he inflicts, he will never know and I don’t hate him, I will never know how it feels to hold him or have him tell me which ever road I choose he will go. He is an idiot, he can’t read between the lines, or he is so smart he is playing his own game, whatever it is there is only one thing I know this very moment - I like him

My revolving brain has come to a halt now, I wanted to write something different but here, I end up writing an almost corny letter. He is so right; I am sappy and undoubtedly corny. My ego has belittled itself, I can see my ego sit in a corner with a bottler of wine, listening to Adele, I don’t know why but this doesn’t scare me, I am a writer and writers write best when they write about their or someone else’s story. Here I am wearing my heart on my sleeve, writing, writing about a story, I wish was fiction.

Maya's almost love stories

I am 5 feet 5 inches, 135 pounds, D cup, I have big eyes, round nose, slender lips, wavy hair, I am fairly pretty, I am a Pisces,  I write, I am talkative, I am single, I am Maya and these are my almost love stories.

At 16 years of age no girl knows what love is, she only knows, that particular boy in her class is cute and she gets butterflies in her stomach every time she sees him, I was 16 when I first saw him. He was brown, well combed hair, small eyes and a magnetizing smile, every time I saw him I froze, my heart skipped a beat, yes I had a crush on him and he didn’t know I existed, well that was what I thought. I was an ugly duckling with no hopes of turning into a swan. He was the star athlete, captain of the school basket ball team; popular for all the right reasons, I on the other hand was popular for being unpopular, I was a geek, class president and the teachers loved me. At 16 I didn’t know if what I felt for him was love or an infatuation that was getting a bit too hard to handle. In assembly I would sit at the end, just to get a glimpse of him, time and again I would catch him looking at me but as soon our eyes met he would turn away, that didn’t make me feel good about myself, at all. My subconscious which has been a living, breathing part of me ever since I was born, at 16 told me he is not good enough for you, that’s why he avoids you, oh well how I wish I had believed her then. The entire school year went by with me being smitten by him, not bothered knowing what he felt for me or thought about me. Then 2 months before graduation, it happened. “Hi, would you like to hang out after school” Sahil said,  of course with that mesmerizing smile of his which still drives me crazy and me being the dork that I am said “are you talking to me?”, he laughed and said “of course, silly!” Silly, he had me at silly. At 16 my life began and ended at 20 when he enrolled in the British army. It’s not that I can’t handle long distance relationships, I can but when that distance makes you grow apart rather than making your heart grow fonder, it gets difficult to live in your fantasy land. He was not coming back for a few years but I was ready to wait and I did wait for two years, I gave him 6 years of my life and in return developed a relationship with his answering machine, his friends mocked me for calling him everyday and when he did come around all he said was “I needed space” Space? That too in a long distance relationship? When I love, I really love there are no ifs or buts about it and when my heart gets broken it takes forever to heal. Sahil and I had spent almost 7 years of our lives together and apart, he was my first kiss, I wanted to marry him at that time, I guess I wanted him more, I always want more but getting over Sahil was not as hard as I thought it would be, I didn’t get the chance to mourn our break up, I fell in love again, it wasn’t very hard to fall in love with him, Nikesh, he destroyed me yet made me strong enough to be me.

I don’t know if he will ever find out or even guess how I feel about him. At times I see him look at me, his eyes seem to be admiring me, when his gaze meets mine, I look down, he makes me nervous, he makes me smile, he doesn’t know he makes this sad little girl happy, so happy she lets go of  all her troubles and worries and happily lets him annoy her. He will never know every day I hang on every word he says, I smile at the mention of his name and I grow fonder everyday. I wonder if  I will ever know how it feels to hold him close, to let him hold my hand, I imagine him brushing my hair from my face, I marvel at how it feels to be the woman he loves. He is my present, I want him in my future, but I will never tell him, I am not even his type, I wish he could just read my mind and tell me “Maya, I feel the same way, I do, you are my soul mate and I am so glad to have met you” I wish, I can only wish.

Nikesh was unlike any man I have come across till date, he was a rake, he was the Casanova of my wonderland. At times I wish I had no Sahil, no Nikesh, no none in my life but him, then I would be able to loosen the grip over my heart and show him how I really feel for him, He might reject me, it will hurt but at least I could tell him that I am hopelessly liking him to bits. Nikesh, let me focus on the demon that scares me still.

He was not a bad man, time turned him into one. He tried his best to love me as much as I did, I thought he was my Atlas, he could hold the sky on his fingers, may be that over whelmed him, drove him crazy and he grew violent, may be whatever happened between Nikesh and I, was my fault, may be I was too much for him to handle, I need not only a man but a man with a heart of gold.

Nikesh, is any woman’s dream at first sight, he is happily married now, I hope he is,  he  has an enormous fault he cannot love  “Maya, you’ve taught me what love is, I hope I will be able to love her as much as you loved me once”, I smiled through my tears, that’s all I could do. I was not sad, I was angry at god so I chose to bring that anger out in form of tears, how could god do this- I was tortured and tormented by Nikesh, and he found love again, he was the one who got his shot at happiness again, I was left alone to live through it.

Nikesh and I happened almost 4 years ago-  he pursued me for a year before I agreed to our first date. He enjoyed the thrill of the chase, it bought the best out in him. He did everything to woo me and wooed I was. Nikesh had my heart on the palm of his hand, I don’t know how that happened, I was the puppet and he was the puppeteer. I talked when he asked me to, I moved when he ordered me to, I dressed up just to please him, kept friends he approved of, I was dead, my soul was dead, I was waiting for him to kill me. I had endured so much of pain, ending my life was the only option I had. Nikesh, slapped me, punched me and kicked me- he said he did that because he loved me and I needed to be tamed.

I mourned Nikesh’s death; he was dead to me, the day I walked out of his house he died. I cried, for Sahil and I cried for me, I cried because I let Nikesh treat me like a punching bag and I cried because I knew I would never be able to love again, I cry, I still do, I want to love, I want to tell him, my present “please rescue me”, I can only plead with unspoken words, I wish he could hear those pleas.

There are certain moments, these days when his smile makes my heart skip a beat, when he calls my name “Maaya” I freeze, I tremble, I pray someday he will wake up with me on his mind, I pray someday he will whisper the words I have always wanted to hear. Someday I hope he will see I am meant for him, some day I hope he will take my hand and we dance slow, someday I hope he will say “Maya let me love you”. Someday I hope he will know he is my soul mate, someday I hope someday comes soon, before time makes him an almost lover.

My version- GOD

I have lived 25 years of my life trying to believe in god, at one time I was an ardent believer but as time passed and as I grew older my certainty in god started to plummet.

Is god with in me? Is god omnipresent and omnipotent? Or is he omniscient and powerless, made all mighty by only our hopelessness? GOD- an enigma, if he is omnipresent, why isn’t he here in my most dire times; if he exists I need him, here and now.

“Clasp both your hands, bow your head and pray, pray for everyone you love, pray when you are in distress, pray when you want to thank him” my warden said this to me when I was five years old and in a boarding school, home away from home. I still haven’t forgotten those lines, I just can’t get myself to clasp my hands and bow my head in faith, I have lost that 5 year old girl’s belief in the omnipresent, the omnipotent, the almighty- GOD.  I try my best to believe in him, to harness the positivity of his being, I try to think god but god for some reason has become just a three letter word in my vocabulary. It’s been more than a year my faith or shall I say my uncanny faith in god shattered into meager elements.

My belief has shattered because god has ceased to listen to my pleas, it’s selfish of me to put it that way, god is not my favorite dress, I have to share god. If God is omnipresent than why are people dying an untimely death? Why does Mother Nature time and again swallow lives? Why is the world at war? If god does exist, why isn’t this world a wonderland? There I have shared god with rest of the world, but it feels easy to talk about the almighty thinking god is only mine, that way I can express myself better.

We see god in statues, shrines, paintings, pictures, what we see is it really the face of god? No matter what religion you follow have you ever thought the deity you worship does he look exactly like what’s in front of your eyes? God is not a shrine neither is he a picture, god is the tiny cells in our body that work hard every millisecond to keep us alive, god is the air we breathe, god is the food we eat, god is the sun that welcomes dawn and the moon that engulfs night, god is the tiny bits of particles that surround us, god- made divine by our selfishness, greed, desire and hopelessness.

I wonder if I sound like an atheist, I am not an atheist. My definition of god might be different than how others perceive god. I believe god is in small things, god is those things we take for granted. God for me is gravity that keeps me from falling, god is the unconditional love my family bestows on me, god is in me and god is around me.

It’s been ages I haven’t prayed, I have forgotten how to pray. When I do pray I wonder if my prayers will be answered and if they were to be answered, what should I ask for?

“Dear god please make me the richest girl on this planet”

“Dear god make my enemies suffer”

“Dear god please help me lose weight”

“Dear god, I have a crush on him, please make him like me”

“Dear god, keep my parents happy”

“Dear god I want world peace”

If I could only get everything I ask for. God won’t hide a box of treasure under my bed just to make rich,  I will have to work hard every waking moment of my life, the cute boy who I have a crush on won’t like me until I make him notice me, god won’t help me lose weight if I just eat and eat and sleep. My prayers will be answered by only me, my prayers will be answered by the belief I have in me and not by god. If my prayers were to be answered by god I would be living in a different planet by now.

People tell me god has carved out everyone’s path and we follow blindly, I agree there must be a higher power but no one can carve out my life’s path, no one but me. God is with in me that is if I choose to believe so. Why should I believe in something that I have never seen, why should I submit my being to something/someone that might be alive, dead or dancing like a pendulum in between life and death? I need to see god, feel god to believe in god, again.

I am a normal girl, I wish to be normal for the rest of my life. God is the normality I choose to live with, god- is not great because of my hopelessness, god is just god, great because no one has seen god, no one knows god and still god knows people will go to any extreme to prove to one another he exists.

God, dear god, if you exist I hope you know I am writing this.  I hope you read it and I hope you make me believe in you again. God, if you are reading this right at this moment I want a miracle to occur, god if you really are here change the course of time, god make me a little less selfish. I am waiting dear god, I am waiting for a change. God, You must be laughing at my audacity for questioning your existence, I am laughing at your unwillingness to prove your existence.

God- what is god? My uncanny faith shattered into meager elements, God- made divine by only our hopelessness.

That Purple Dress

Tears were her best friend, but it had been while since her best friend had made contact, she didn’t miss her friend, she didn’t want her to come around, she needed her only when the pain in her heart seemed like it had been stabbed with thousand knives and she alone couldn’t handle the hurt. She had locked up her past, her nightmares, her memories in a casket and buried it so deep that neither her heart nor her mind had the energy to bring it back.  She lived in her protective cocoon, wrapped in the warmth of her innocence and her undying hope for true love. She was not naïve; she knew no prince would come on a white horse to rescue her but that hope was her happy haven; hope was all that she had. She smiled everyday, she made sure no one in her life felt that they were taken for granted, she had made a promise to herself that she would bestow everyone in her life with all the love she had in her heart. Yes, she was lonely, she didn’t get what she gave yet she didn’t care. She had endured so much that not being at the receiving end made no difference to her. She had friends who loved her but she didn’t want to be a burden on them, she had her books, she was busy moving up in her career ladder, she was busy trying to make up for the lost moments she didn’t have a firm grasp over once.  She was finally learning to move on, she was slowly trying to get back on her feet.

She screamed in the highest possible pitch, her agony, anger, hurt, pain, disgust all were a part of that scream, no one could hear that heart wrenching sound, she was alone in her apartment and Metallica’s Enter Sand Man was blasting through her stereo. That agonizing cry wasn’t for anyone else to hear, it was her way of telling those excruciating recollections to go away. She sat on her bed room floor, clothes scattered everywhere, clothes of different colors, different designs, and different brands. She was clenching a purple dress she held it close to her heart. She was crying that casket had opened itself and everything inside it had crept back into her heart. She set that purple dress on her lap looked at it as if to her it meant either life or death.

That purple dress was precious yet she dreaded wearing it. She hadn’t even looked at it in two years and today all of a sudden that dress fell on her feet, she told herself it was a sign.  That purple dress had so many memories she didn’t know what to hold onto and what to let go of. That dress was a gift from him. She wore it whenever possible. She loved that purple dress. That dress was something she should have burnt long ago, she wasn’t strong enough back then and today she doesn’t know if burning the dress will heal the wounds or if burning herself will.

Why now, she thought to herself? She had moved on hadn’t she? 2 years and she thought time had healed everything. How could a dress make her feel this way?

“I bought something for you, hope you will like it” he said

They had just started dating, she was crazy about him, and it seemed like he was head over heals for her too.

“What is it?” she asked

“Well, here”

“Thank you”

“I will wear it tonight” she said

It was his birthday; they were celebrating his birthday first time as a couple. There were so many people waiting to meet her, waiting to see how she looked like. He was a very well known man in his community, his business was very successful, he had had his set of affairs with women of perfect shape and sizes and some of them were still in love with him and they hated her because he chose her.

She placed the dress on his bed before taking a shower. In the shower she playfully scrubbed each and every part of her body imagining his hands running all over her, the pull she felt around him was uncontrollable, the desires he stirred in her were unfathomable. She hungered for his touch, she craved for his lips to kiss her every where arousing each and every part of her body. She got out of the shower, dried her hair, applied make up on her face and finally put that dress on. He was waiting for her in the living room drinking Pinot Noir. She walked down the stairs and his gaze froze, he couldn’t take his eyes of her. She could see the burning passion in his eyes, she could tell he was undressing her already in his mind. She was wearing a one shouldered purple dress, his gift, the hem of the dress was right above her knee, her hair was parted side ways, it had a rhythmic bounce to it,  she wore a pair of golden heals, she carried a golden clutch. Her face looked so beautiful he couldn’t take his eyes off her, her eyes shimmered, her cheeks glowed and her lips covered with blood red lip stick made her look all the more tempting. She walked elegantly besides him, everyone looked at them enviously, he held her hand as they walked, he introduced her as the love of his life, she knew she was falling for him real bad, she would do anything for him. That night, as she was stepping out of his car, he walked to her side, and swept her off her feet into his arms. That night he made love to her with so much desire and fire that she didn’t want the night to come to an end.

“You are fucking him aren’t you?”

“No, what are you saying?”

“Why does he want to meet you for drinks?”

“Because he is my friend, I don’t have to be sleeping with him to go out drinking, what is the matter with you, I love you, I always have”

She didn’t know when his love turned into possessiveness and when that possessiveness turned into an obsession. He was obsessed with her, he doubted her every move, he was insecure and he poured all of his anger and frustration on her. I can do this, I love him, anything for him- she always said to herself.

“You are not going any where” he ordered

“But I have already promised him” she begged

“No”

“but..”

She fell flat on her face. He had slapped her, tears started to spring from her eyes. He leaned down as if to caress her cheek but he punched her right on the face, and kicked her again and again, all the while she was begging him to stop. After a while his aggression seemed under control, she managed to get up from the floor, her body was screaming in pain, a warm liquid seemed to be oozing out of her nose, she wanted to see the damage he had done to her. She stopped in front of a mirror and looked at her battered face, he had broken her nose,  she froze, she couldn’t breathe for a moment. She washed her face and headed for the door but he came running, got down on his knees and started crying, she couldn’t leave and that was it for her, 2 years she lived as his prisoner.

They lived together, every night she would go through the same abuse emotional and physical. The physical wounds would heal but the emotional wound was always fresh. You are ugly, no man will ever want you, you family doesn’t want you that’s why you are here living in my house, your family will never want you, you are good for nothing, you will never do anything good, you are a loser, you should be glad you have me- those were the words that came out from his mouth every night, she could escape the physical pain but the emotional pain seemed to haunt her still.

“Babe what are you doing?” she asked in a trembling voice

“I want to make love to my girl”

She was lying on the bed about to fall asleep and he had been drinking.

“ I had a very long day today, I want to sleep, please”

He didn’t say or do anything for a while and then he yelled

“You deny me; you say no to me, if I want it I want it”

He pinned her hands on bed, spread her legs apart and hit her when she fought back. She cried, she yelled for help but no one could hear her, he raped her that night, he did that to hurt her, to punish her and this was not the only night he put her through this torment, it continued to happen every night till she decided to leave. She was weak, lost, scared, she was afraid to even leave she couldn’t muster up the courage to tell anyone, she contemplated suicide.

One night she was lying on his bed, he wasn’t home yet, it was almost after mid night, her instincts told her he was in the arms of another woman. She lied on that bed thinking she had to get out of this relationship and today she had the chance, it was like an epiphany. She took her purse out from his closet and headed out of the house, she didn’t look back not once.

 When he came back and couldn’t find her he raised hell, he called her, texted her, threatened to kill her but she didn’t care. She seeked refuge at a friend’s place, for nights she couldn’t sleep or eat, she had nightmares almost every night, she was scared of her self- she had lost the real her, where she didn’t know.

After 2 years, tonight she was sitting in her bedroom reliving those memories. No one understood why couldn’t she forget about it, why couldn’t she move on- she wanted to, but she didn’t have the confidence to, his words still echoed in her ears. As she looked at that purple dress, she vividly saw those moments flash in front of her eyes, she didn’t want to live with those memories, she was tired of running away from herself. She got up walked to her dresser and took out a pair of scissors, she sat down again on the mountain of clothes and started to cut that purple dress into pieces, after she had shredded that purple dress into pieces, she closed her eyes, took a deep breath, smile, lifted the scissors, placed it on her wrist, pressed it hard and ran those scissors through her wrist. She slit her wrist, not once, not twice but thrice. The pain didn’t bother her, it didn’t hurt, she was finally free of the emotional pain she had been living with.  She lay down along with the shredded purple dress in the pool of her own blood slowly waiting for death to come, she had a smile on her face, finally she was going to be in a place where she belonged. Death was nearing and finally she would be in her happy haven.

Part-3

It’s been almost three months we haven’t spoken to each other and today I am going to see her may be when she sees me she will change her mind or may be I when I see her I will change my mind only god knows what will happen. I am nervous even to get on the plane, thank god I chose to fly first class at least I will have room to be fidgety, I will have space for me and my thoughts. They have already announced my flight, first I fly to Qatar and after a transit of 8 hours I fly to Washington Dulles Airport. I am extremely nervous and I am pretty much anxious as well, I wonder how she will react when she sees me, she did say she loved me but that was long ago. I haven’t heard her voice for ever. I have a fondness for her voice, it’s not very pitchy, it’s kind of deep yet it’s melodious, she stresses on odd words, at times it sounds like she is singing, I can hear her talk all day long, I can look at her all day long the rest of my life  if she would only let me, give me the chance. She is not very tall, her legs are slender and long, she has a mole behind her neck for me that’s one of her sexiest features, her eyes- oh her eyes they are big, intoxicating if I was a poet I would describe her eyes in every verse, her lips I think they taste like strawberries, I wish I could kiss her beautiful lips, I wish I could hold her, sleep in the comfort of her arms. They let first class flyers in from a different entrance, not many my age are flying first class today, I really don’t care all I know is this is going to be the longest 24 hours of my life. A beautiful air hostess welcomes us inside the plane with a bright smile, she is wearing red lipstick matching her out fit, she is very pretty. There is a gentleman in front of me he looks like a business man, his face seems angry and he is in a hurry to go sit. I nod at the air hostess, no pretty face can distract me at this moment, my mind is occupied with her thoughts and only her thoughts. My sit is comfortable, I have long legs, thank god I can stretch them. One of the air hostesses comes with warm towels, why do all air hostesses look the same, same make up and uniform I guess, she smiles at me, I nod “Sir” she says and hands me the towel, I need something to relax so I take this opportunity and ask for a glass of cognac, some brandy in my system will help me calm down. I drift into my thoughts as the plane takes off. Qatar airport is huge and the first class lounge is amazing, I need some rest I need to look fresh and alive.

As the plane touches the runway of Washington Dulles airport my heart is in my throat. I just want to get over with it, my heart is stuck on her but if she doesn’t want me I guess I will be all by myself.

Mark my best friend of 6 years has come to pick me up at the air port, he drove all the way of Pennsylvania, he has been making all the arrangements, I will be staying at his Uncle’s house, he didn’t want me to stay in a hotel, since we will have the house all to our selves I really don’t mind. Mark is my bro. We attended university together. Mark is a good looking dude, I am not gay, I am just saying. He is a brunette, tall, a little buffed up, his good looking genes comes from his parents his mother is an American and his dad is Russian. As we enter our house for as long as we live there it’s ours, I seem to have zoned out, I can’t think, hear or speak.

“Dude” Mark nudges me

I get startled.

“What?” I ask

“You came all the way for her? What if she doesn’t feel the same way for you?” he asks, concerned.

“I want to take my chances, what if she does feel the same way?” I say, I further add “I don’t want to spend the rest of my life regretting for not trying, not letting her know how much I love her”

Mark laughs. He is never heard me talk about love, I have had flings but I never thought I would fall so deeply in love.

Mark’s girlfriend Zoya is amazing, they have been in a relationship for almost 5 years. They are engaged, getting married next month. Zoya is tall, petite, black hair, grey eyes, long nose, and lips that match her eyes and face. She greets us at the door, she plunges towards me and gives a tight hug, her embrace tells me she knows and she is very concerned. She gives me that reassuring smile; her expression tells me everything will be alright. She has prepared an elaborate dinner, I am not very tired and surprisingly I don’t feel jet-lagged, Mark offers me a bottle of beer, we sit at the porch talking about his wedding jitters, Zoya joins us and he stops the wedding conversation.

“When are you going to call her?” Zoya inquires

“Tomorrow” I reply. I have to thank Mark for getting me this number, I am glad my best friend is responsible. Actually, if need be I would do the same for him.

Tomorrow- I hope she agrees to see me.

Before dinner I decide to take a shower, Zoya takes me to my room, before leaving she sits on my bed, holds my hand, squeezes it gently and says “I have never seen you do this for any one, I bet she is very special, I can’t wait to meet her, I hope she feels the same way”.

I hope that too, I say to myself.

After dinner I feel really tired, so I decide to hit the sack. I am restless; I decide I need to call her tonight, actually right now. I am nervous even to dial her number. People think us men don’t have emotions, we do, but we choose not to show them, I am scared, I have never been this scared of anything. I love this woman, I really do, I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I call her.

She answers, “Hello”

I haven’t heard her in so long; I have missed her so much. I love her voice.

Scared, I call her name “Arpita”

She is mum. I guess she still recognizes my voice.

Before I say anything, “Where are you?” she asks

“Here” I say

“Here as in Virginia?” she asks, nervous or excited I really can’t tell

“Fairfax” I reply.

She is quiet now.

“Can I see you tomorrow?” I ask

“I have to go to work” she replies

“For dinner” I say

“Around 8” she replies

“Sounds good, did I disturb you?” I ask

“Oh, no, I was getting ready to go to bed” she answers, “can I ask you something?” she says

I know what she wants to ask.

“Why are you here?”

“Mark is getting married, I am one of his best men” I reply

“Mark your best friend that I have never met?” she says and even before I can answer she further adds “That’s the only reason?”

“No” I answer

Both of us don’t say anything for a while.

“I will see you tomorrow, you must be tired, sleep” she says

I want to talk to you! I can only think and not say it out loud.

“Good night” I say

I lie on my bed, wide awake, tired yet I cannot sleep. All I can think of is tomorrow; I can’t wait to see her. I don’t know how long have I been lying awake, suddenly my phone rings. I check to see the time it’s only 11.30 and it’s her on the phone.

“Hey” she says

Is she crying? I can tell she is crying. Damn it- it’s my fault, I know she is crying because of me.

“Is everything alright?” I ask

“I want to see you, right now” she says

I am stunned.

“Give me your address” she demands

I give. See you in half an hour she says and hangs up

I jump out of my bed. The first thing I do is look at myself in the mirror, uncombed hair and I am in my pajamas. I don’t look as bad as I thought I was looking. Time seems to move extremely slowly, I have already finished drinking a bottle of beer as I reach for the second one my phone rings again.

“I am standing outside” she says

I run and open the door. There she is- the love of my life.

She is in her green track pants, red top and red flip flops, quiet an odd combination but she still looks good. Her nose is pink; her eyes tell me she has been crying for a few hours now. I take her in; I don’t know if I will get to see her again. She literally jumps into my arms and takes me by surprise. I take her in my embrace; I never want to let her go. She sobs, she punches me and she sobs.

“I am here to fight with you but first at least have the decency to invite me in” she says in her half crying half smiling voice.

I smile, she comes in and I take her to my room. I don’t want my friends to wake up and I don’t want them to see her this way. I come to the kitchen to get myself another bottle of beer, she is not a beer drinker, so I check the kitchen cabinet to see if they have wine, yes they do- Pinot Noir- I pour her a glass.

She is lying on my bed as I enter my room.

“This pillow smells of you” she says looking at me.

I sit next to her-I want to hold her hand- I want to hold her- but I don’t- I patiently wait to for her to talk- I know she has a lot to say.

“Why now, Nischay?” she asks

I love it when she calls my name. But right now it’s making me nervous.

Why now? What do I tell her? The truth- I suppose.

“I am here because I want you- I have always wanted you- I am here because I had to see you- when you told me “we” will never work out I felt the earth move from my feet- I had to come here myself and see if “we” will ever work out or if you were right” I ramble

She looks at me, comes closer, touches my face, plants a gentle peck on my cheek, hugs me tight and starts crying.

“Couldn’t you have come earlier? You don’t know what I have been through in the past three months, you don’t know the things I have done to get over you, all those men I went out with, I even got a tattoo, the pain in my heart was unbearable and I wanted that pain to transfer else where” she says

A tattoo, interesting- she is full of surprises.

“When you called I was ecstatic, then I saw the man lying on my bed” she says

The man lying on my bed, I repeat her sentence in my head. Am I too late? Will I never be with her? Fuck!

I don’t say anything, I can’t say anything.

“I have been seeing him for a month now” she says

“Do you like him?” I ask

“He is a very nice person” she replies

“He is very nice and I like him are two different things” I say

“Yes, I like him” she says

How do I react?

“But Nischay, my heart is stuck on you; I thought I would never get to see you so I did what I thought was right, I love you very much” she says

What do I say? There is a man lying on her bed and here she is in my room, in my embrace telling me she loves me. I told her once I love her in every form-every way- I guess I meant it.

She pulls from my embrace- she looks at me- I gaze into her eyes- I lean towards and plant a soft kiss on her lips- she kisses me back- I have always wanted to kiss her but I never thought I would have this passion and intensity.

“This is not right” she says pulling away

“Why?” I ask

“I have another man in my house and here I am kissing you- I feel like a whore” she shouts

“YOU ARE NOT” I almost shout

“I have to figure this out” she says

I try to hold her but she pulls away

“I have to go” she says

I beg her to stay, my heart is on my throat what if I don’t get to see her ever again, what if this is it. I just stand there helpless- she looks at me, leans and plants a swift peck on my lips- I love you Nischay Rana she says and walks away!