Love, my reality

Love, I have fallen in and out of it so many times.

Love, when you want to write, easiest topic to write about.

Love, you love your dog, that little black dress, your one and only Chanel bag, you love a person.

Love, confusing and yet so intriguing.

Love, at times shattering.

Love, at times healing.

I have met men, men of different ethnicity, color, built, facial structure. Some men left a hollow spot in my heart, some left a mark.

Some went out of their way to win me over, some assumed I would just read their minds and some walked all over me. I have always let the third kind of male species rule my life, even when they were no longer a part of it. I have so many fond memories of the first two kinds and now I want to give them importance.

I met him when I was recovering, I was collecting the pieces of my broken heart, I was soothing my charred soul. He came like the soft breeze, touching me gently, helping me gradually. He is the one who has left a mark in my heart, he is the one who expected me to read his feelings with out him displaying it. He was my savior, he doesn’t know, when I hurt I long for him, he fills up the void in me.

He is the man I would want to make babies with. He would be a perfect life partner. But he is a friend, a friend I would like to keep for life.

It’s not about winning neither it’s about losing, his memories are enough to make me smile. We never made promises, we never tried hard to be a part of each other’s life but some how the thread that connected us was always intact, funny, even when we are oceans apart it still is.

He is an average looking man with a heart bigger than the Kalahari desert.

He says “ We will never be together, but I make you happy and that’s what matters the most”

He says “ You had your chance, you blew it” and laughs

He says “ I will always love you, I would never leave you for the dogs” and he means it

He wants me to be happy. I kid around a lot, I am a teenager with him. I am at ease in hin presence- tangible or intangible.

I tell him “I think I want to die”- he doesn’t react much just says “don’t say things like that”

I tell him “ I want to see the world”. He smiles and says “which ever part of the world I am in, when you start traveling that’s the first place you will visit”

He doesn’t have a loud voice. He is a gentleman, the kind that opens the car door for you, pulls your chair, holds your coat, you get my point.

So, why? Are you stupid? Seriously girl he was a catch, what is wrong with you? Might be the questions you want to ask me.

I have the answers ready.

I am an emotionally damaged piece, very hard to fix. I go down and take others down with me.

I don’t need so much loving, I am the wrong person, i don’t deserve it and I didn’t want to hurt him. I have always believed actions speak louder than words, but I could never hear his actions speak, I chose not to.

He was too good for me, he still is. He deserves some one as good as him if not better than him. I want him to be happy and that is possible if he and I always stay friends. I am a pusher, I think I enjoy pushing people away, that’s my shield, I pushed him, again and again, he didn’t budge all he said was “ I am here to stay if not as a lover, as a friend for life”- I am glad he meant it.

His name is Kevin. I will never forget him.

I have been very lucky with men, most of the times, excluding the part where I met a screwed up retard. He is not the center of this story, he doesn’t deserve to be. The center of this story is the one who went out of his way to win me over.

Now, let me introduce you to Aron- our love and hate relationship shall be told and it will be immortal.

He was the first man to pursue me, he chased, I ran, he gave up, I gave in and the game was never ending.

He is possessive, his girl or not, I will always be his girl. I know it’s confusing.

He would punch a man right in his face if it meant to protect me. He would jump in the line of fire to save me and this I can bet my life on.

He is arrogant, oh my his arrogance knows no bounds, loves himself so much that you could build a different world based on his narcissism.  So how did I fit in his I, me, myself bubble? – he met his match.

Him and I met at a pub. We had a common friend and that is how he won the challenge. Challenge you may think, continue reading

I was oblivious to his presence even though he stood right next to me, I didn’t notice him when he followed me to the bar neither did I give him attention when we were out in the cold smoking. That was me pretending.

I caught his attention because his narcissistic self didn’t get any from me.

“What’s your number?” he caught me off guard

“ I don’t talk to strangers” was my come back. Lame.

“C’mon, my name is Aron, stranger no more, number?”

“You are a weirdo. No”

“Okay. Give me 24 hours and I will find it out myself, when I do, you and I go on a lunch date”

“Agreed, and yes if we do go on that date get me a bouquet of yellow roses and dark chocolates, my favorites”

“Sure, just so you know 24 hours is a lifetime to win a such small challenge, this world is a small place Maya” He knew my name, I should have known

After three hours I get a call, yes from Aron and so began our love and hate relationship.

Yes, I did get my yellow roses and dark chocolates, I am not exaggerating, but I got a hundred dark chocolates.

That was one of the best lunches I ever had. He will always be the one to make me laugh.

He and I hung out every day, till one day I cried, cried my heart out and told him I was not ready. He said he was impatient, I could do nothing about it.

He disappeared with out a trace. I was guilty and I hated him for not being patient.

I remember he said once he didn’t want anything to do with me. I am so glad he didn’t mean it.

“You know I will always love you not because I have to. I care about you. The feelings I have for you are so genuine it makes me mad” this is what I hear from him every day.

We have a pact if by thirty both of us are single and unmarried, we will marry each other. Lord have mercy on us. I am Jerry and he is Tom.

I miss my Tom every day.

Nathan was supposed to be a fling, wham bam thank you mam kind of fling. My rotten luck all the men that have come into my life don’t leave. It’s like I have a net and they are tangled in it.

I met Nathan when I was drunk. I made out with him that night. Totally unaware that I would run into him almost everyday of my life.

After the making out party, we ran into each other again, actually on several occasions  when he finally asked if I liked coffee, of course I love coffee.

That’s how we sat down to talk. Awkward.

“Why do you have to be s different?” he asked

My answer was “ I don’t know”

The beauty of our relationship was that we could pick up where we left. Even a simple reply as “ I don’t know” said everything.

He tried his best to figure me out but he failed miserably.

Nathan is the one that got away.

Would I get it right if I get a second chance, no. I love that he got away and came back.

We play hide and seek, that’s why our bond is so different.

There is never a moment of silence, never umm or blank- we always have something to talk about.

If I want it hide from this world, i would run to him, he would keep me hidden in his secret haven.

I think about him everyday .

I would not change a thing about how my relationships with these men is or how it could have been.

We might have loved, we might have hated each other’s guts. We might have vowed never to speak to each other again, it’s all about what could have been and what is.

I will not have them as lovers, they are not even friends, they are just special, people who make memories beautiful, future look pleasant, they make my life just easy.

They all got away but they stayed.  And that’s the beauty in it- in the relationship we share.