Have
you ever wished you could break away?
Had the courage to walk out when you had the chance, just walk away before things got worse and your life came crumbling down.
I have. And I waited, I chose to endure what no woman even in her night mare would wish to experience.
I waited till he forced himself in me every night, I begged, I weeped, I shivered, I prayed but he didn’t stop until I told myself “he has done enough damage, run as fast as you can before you turn into an irreparable damaged good” And so I ran.
My name is Natasha and that was my past, I am not a victim, I am a survivor and this is my story.
I was standing in a field of wild flowers, the wind kissing my face gently, I was wearing a long flowing dress, my hair flying away with the breeze, it was the happiest I had ever been. I spread my hands and took a deep breath for I didn’t know how long I would get to be here, time and again I felt something pulling me to a place I didn’t want to go back to, that pull I would like to describe as an electric current being passed through my being then I would hear some one call my name “Natasha”, then some one would scream it “ NATASHA”.
Natasha wanted to ignore those voices, she wanted to live among these wild flowers, it was so beautiful and so livable. I finally was able to not pay attention to the unseen voices, my feet slowly moving forward, one step at a time, I convinced myself heaven would not be as beautiful as this place, a few steps farther was a stream that flowed to a river that the human eye couldn’t conceive, all the seven colors of the rainbow reflecting in this water made it look so very colorful, next to the stream were trees, tall, big, wide trees that sheltered Nightingales I could hear them sing a melancholy tune but even that melancholic sound seemed jolly and on the trees grew fruits, golden, silver fruits, colorful fruits, all in the same tree. It was a place to be explored and there was no stopping me. A few miles away from the trees I could see butterflies, rabbits and deer, in the midst of all those animals was something that sparkled, I couldn’t make out what is was from a distance, so slowly I moved forward. In anticipation and excitement I pranced forward happily, upon moving closer I figured it was a hole that sparkled, tempting, I felt a pull, it called me, I noticed all the animals staying far away from it but that didn’t stop me, little did I know only on the outside it was appealing.
Nothing is ever as it seems, that glittered on the outside in the inside had a world of it’s own. It was big enough for me to stand and walk straight though it had a lot of nooks and crannies I decided to just go ahead and explore it. At first I stumbled on a rock but I didn't fall, as I was walking I felt this weird tingle go through the whole of my body, my shoulders started to feel heavy and my heart started to beat rapidly, I was breathing heavily when I started hearing footsteps, voices, cries, I felt hands coming out of the walls eager to grab me any moment I started to walk fast, the faster I walked the longer the hands grew. I had no courage to look behind, the footsteps seemed more closer, I was panicking, I was palpitating, I needed to lean some where and relax, the hands were still there, the footsteps were still following me but still I stood l in the middle of my path taking deep breaths, everything seemed calm for a while, till I felt something slither on my right leg and crawl in an upward motion, that’s when I jumped and I ran, alas! My rotten luck I tripped on my own dress and fell I hit my head on a big boulder, thud! Was the sound, I lay flat on back, blood oozing out of my forehead, till I was lying unconscious in the pool of my own blood.
Had the courage to walk out when you had the chance, just walk away before things got worse and your life came crumbling down.
I have. And I waited, I chose to endure what no woman even in her night mare would wish to experience.
I waited till he forced himself in me every night, I begged, I weeped, I shivered, I prayed but he didn’t stop until I told myself “he has done enough damage, run as fast as you can before you turn into an irreparable damaged good” And so I ran.
My name is Natasha and that was my past, I am not a victim, I am a survivor and this is my story.
I was standing in a field of wild flowers, the wind kissing my face gently, I was wearing a long flowing dress, my hair flying away with the breeze, it was the happiest I had ever been. I spread my hands and took a deep breath for I didn’t know how long I would get to be here, time and again I felt something pulling me to a place I didn’t want to go back to, that pull I would like to describe as an electric current being passed through my being then I would hear some one call my name “Natasha”, then some one would scream it “ NATASHA”.
Natasha wanted to ignore those voices, she wanted to live among these wild flowers, it was so beautiful and so livable. I finally was able to not pay attention to the unseen voices, my feet slowly moving forward, one step at a time, I convinced myself heaven would not be as beautiful as this place, a few steps farther was a stream that flowed to a river that the human eye couldn’t conceive, all the seven colors of the rainbow reflecting in this water made it look so very colorful, next to the stream were trees, tall, big, wide trees that sheltered Nightingales I could hear them sing a melancholy tune but even that melancholic sound seemed jolly and on the trees grew fruits, golden, silver fruits, colorful fruits, all in the same tree. It was a place to be explored and there was no stopping me. A few miles away from the trees I could see butterflies, rabbits and deer, in the midst of all those animals was something that sparkled, I couldn’t make out what is was from a distance, so slowly I moved forward. In anticipation and excitement I pranced forward happily, upon moving closer I figured it was a hole that sparkled, tempting, I felt a pull, it called me, I noticed all the animals staying far away from it but that didn’t stop me, little did I know only on the outside it was appealing.
Nothing is ever as it seems, that glittered on the outside in the inside had a world of it’s own. It was big enough for me to stand and walk straight though it had a lot of nooks and crannies I decided to just go ahead and explore it. At first I stumbled on a rock but I didn't fall, as I was walking I felt this weird tingle go through the whole of my body, my shoulders started to feel heavy and my heart started to beat rapidly, I was breathing heavily when I started hearing footsteps, voices, cries, I felt hands coming out of the walls eager to grab me any moment I started to walk fast, the faster I walked the longer the hands grew. I had no courage to look behind, the footsteps seemed more closer, I was panicking, I was palpitating, I needed to lean some where and relax, the hands were still there, the footsteps were still following me but still I stood l in the middle of my path taking deep breaths, everything seemed calm for a while, till I felt something slither on my right leg and crawl in an upward motion, that’s when I jumped and I ran, alas! My rotten luck I tripped on my own dress and fell I hit my head on a big boulder, thud! Was the sound, I lay flat on back, blood oozing out of my forehead, till I was lying unconscious in the pool of my own blood.
“Try
it again, 1 2 3, clear” I felt my body rise and fall in milliseconds, “one more
time 1 2 3 clear, c’mon Natasha, wake up” I didn’t know where to go, I was in
this hole lying in the pool of my own blood and now some one’s asking me to
wake up, I want to sleep, but they are not letting me, my mom “mom” I yell, she
is crying, oh god what did I do this time? Mom don’t cry I am here, my sisters
look sad, why? I am here, I am coming to you, please don’t shed tears, I love
you, please don’t cry, I saw everyone’s faces and amongst those faces I saw my
dad in shock. I wanted to go put my arms around him and say I am fine, I will
make it, I will, so I gathered all the courage in me, woke up I was soaked in
my own blood still I followed the voices- ‘Natasha you are going to live, you
hear us, we are not giving up on you”, slowly I felt something pull me under my
own flesh, a deep sigh “she is back, she is back, pass me the oxygen mask” that
was the first audible sound in my ears, “you are going to be alright, you are a
fighter’ a man in a blue uniform was hovering over my face, while the other wore
gloves and had an injection in his hand, I looked every where, it felt like my
body was in motion, I saw machines, machines that made noises, machines that
showed my heart beat, what had happened? My head was hurting, I was dehydrated,
my body ached, I felt weak and my right hand cried in pain. It took a while for
me to register I was in an emergency vehicle, I could smell blood all over me,
their faces showed relief, how did I get here? I tried to get up, but body was
tied down with wires of all sorts and ivys did I? Yes, I had tried to kill
myself, I slit my wrists and I had lived.
I was in a daze the first week, under constant observation I felt like a prisoner in the hospital. The only people that came to visit were my family, nurses, my doctor and his students and a psychiatrist. I had tried to kill myself, everyone wanted to know why? Suicide is a heinous crime and before they would let me go they wanted to make sure that thought will never cross my mind again. I don’t remember how many days I spent there, to me it seemed like months, I was sedated, I am not sure, one morning I remember this doctor enter my room, he was a young man, only later I found out he was doing his residency and was not bad looking. He came close to my bed, I pretended to sleep, it had been days since I spoke to anyone besides my therapist and I was in no mood to talk to any one, not even my dad. I heard him mumble something, It wasn’t very audible the sedatives were definitely working, all I could make out was “why would you do something like that?” When I heard him leave the room, I opened my eyes to see a bouquet of white roses sit next to my bed. He came everyday with roses, I heard him talk to my sisters, i heard console my mom and give hope to my dad. I overheard him and my therapist talk, I guess he was one of my doctors, she said (my therapist) ‘she has a lot of deep rooted issues and she feels guilty for making her loved ones go through this’.
I did feel guilty, it hurt me to see my family hurt, they knew everything and they always hoped I would heal, but I never did, after three year of leaving my country and leaving my past behind I still tried to kill myself, would I ever heal? The only person I spoke to was my therapist, she was in her 40s, very understanding, she told me she lost one of her daughters too, she took sleeping pills the whole bottle, she was in love with a guy who would not love her the way she loved him. She was too weak to face rejection. She empathized with me, may be in me she saw her daughter. She told me I was making progress and would get to leave soon. .
One day he came to my room, the doctor with white roses my mom and sisters were sitting with me, when he came they smiled and left us alone. This time he came with orange roses, he smiled, sat on the edge of my bed ‘ Your mom told me you love orange’ I smiled and said thank you.
“You know doctor’s don’t do this, actually they are not supposed to grow attached to their patients, no that I am a full fledged doctor I am only doing my residency it’s been 6 month, I know I am not making any sense but hear me out. When they first bought you here Dr. Stevens was assigned to your case, he is my father and he pulled me in to work with him, everyone felt sorry for you, a beautiful young woman like you why did you try to take your own life, I didn’t want to know that neither did I feel sorry for you,I wanted to know the girl who would survive it I felt different around you and I knew I had seen you somewhere that entire time I was trying to place you and then I remembered I had seen you at a bar, Hard times in fairfax city you were sitting with a friend drinking martini and you were going on about how you hated nursing school, I didnot eavesdrop much, i was playing pool, after finishing up my game I wanted to buy you a drink but you had already left, see I am not a weirdo, I liked you the moment I saw you”
He spoke in such a rapid manner, all I could do was nod.
“Don’t be nervous” I said
He laughed.
“If you don’t mind let me take you out for dinner when you get out of this place?”
I nodded again.
He wrote his number on a piece of paper.
My mother was happy, she would never approve of an American boyfriend but this one she approved of.
I was in a daze the first week, under constant observation I felt like a prisoner in the hospital. The only people that came to visit were my family, nurses, my doctor and his students and a psychiatrist. I had tried to kill myself, everyone wanted to know why? Suicide is a heinous crime and before they would let me go they wanted to make sure that thought will never cross my mind again. I don’t remember how many days I spent there, to me it seemed like months, I was sedated, I am not sure, one morning I remember this doctor enter my room, he was a young man, only later I found out he was doing his residency and was not bad looking. He came close to my bed, I pretended to sleep, it had been days since I spoke to anyone besides my therapist and I was in no mood to talk to any one, not even my dad. I heard him mumble something, It wasn’t very audible the sedatives were definitely working, all I could make out was “why would you do something like that?” When I heard him leave the room, I opened my eyes to see a bouquet of white roses sit next to my bed. He came everyday with roses, I heard him talk to my sisters, i heard console my mom and give hope to my dad. I overheard him and my therapist talk, I guess he was one of my doctors, she said (my therapist) ‘she has a lot of deep rooted issues and she feels guilty for making her loved ones go through this’.
I did feel guilty, it hurt me to see my family hurt, they knew everything and they always hoped I would heal, but I never did, after three year of leaving my country and leaving my past behind I still tried to kill myself, would I ever heal? The only person I spoke to was my therapist, she was in her 40s, very understanding, she told me she lost one of her daughters too, she took sleeping pills the whole bottle, she was in love with a guy who would not love her the way she loved him. She was too weak to face rejection. She empathized with me, may be in me she saw her daughter. She told me I was making progress and would get to leave soon. .
One day he came to my room, the doctor with white roses my mom and sisters were sitting with me, when he came they smiled and left us alone. This time he came with orange roses, he smiled, sat on the edge of my bed ‘ Your mom told me you love orange’ I smiled and said thank you.
“You know doctor’s don’t do this, actually they are not supposed to grow attached to their patients, no that I am a full fledged doctor I am only doing my residency it’s been 6 month, I know I am not making any sense but hear me out. When they first bought you here Dr. Stevens was assigned to your case, he is my father and he pulled me in to work with him, everyone felt sorry for you, a beautiful young woman like you why did you try to take your own life, I didn’t want to know that neither did I feel sorry for you,I wanted to know the girl who would survive it I felt different around you and I knew I had seen you somewhere that entire time I was trying to place you and then I remembered I had seen you at a bar, Hard times in fairfax city you were sitting with a friend drinking martini and you were going on about how you hated nursing school, I didnot eavesdrop much, i was playing pool, after finishing up my game I wanted to buy you a drink but you had already left, see I am not a weirdo, I liked you the moment I saw you”
He spoke in such a rapid manner, all I could do was nod.
“Don’t be nervous” I said
He laughed.
“If you don’t mind let me take you out for dinner when you get out of this place?”
I nodded again.
He wrote his number on a piece of paper.
My mother was happy, she would never approve of an American boyfriend but this one she approved of.
I had
to meet my therapist every Friday till she felt I was not a threat to myself.
Most of my time I spent lying on my bed or watching television, mom and dad
tried their best not to let me out of their sight. One day my dad told me “you
should go out, have fun”, i nodded, those days all I did was nod.
“Call that doctor” he said and gave me that paper.
I did.
I rang a few times
‘Hello’
‘It’s me’ I was nervous I forgot to mention my name
‘I thought you would never call’ was his reply.
We agreed to meet after my therapist’s appointment, that was my fist date with Richard.
It’s been one and a half years and today he completes his residency. He has been so good to me, I wish to give him anything he wants today, after all his hard work has paid off.
I have made reservations at his favorite restaurant, he will meet me there.
At 7.30 he shows up with a smile, he comes next to my chair and plants a kiss on my cheek.
He is so in love with me, I wish I could give him my one hundred percent too.
“What can I give you today?” I ask with a smile
“I will get anything?” he asks mischievously
I nod
“I want to see your home” he says
Confused, I reply “You’ve seen it a thousand times”
“No silly, I want to see your real home Nepal”
Before I could say anything he says “You promised” and pulls out a box from his pocket ad pushes it towards me ‘whenever you are ready just say yes”
Will I ever be ready?
6 months and I always carry that ring in my bag, I haven’t said yes yet, I want him to see my past, my friends, the life that I lived first, so today we are going home, Nepal
Home will always be home, the air, the food, the people, they have a different taste. He seems mesmerized my Kathmandu, he didn’t want to rest but I insisted. We visited all of my favorite shrines, from the biggest Hindu temple Pashupatinath to the most peaceful place in the world Swyambhunath. We were there for a month, so we had plenty of time to explore, I even took him to Pokhara, oh god, he loves that place. I am glad we went to Nepal that is where I knew I could give my whole self to him, I was running away from my past but he made me strong enough to face it, he made me believe I was strong to go back and meet my friends, meet my people. All the while he had been my savior, loving me unconditionally and finally I saw it.
“Call that doctor” he said and gave me that paper.
I did.
I rang a few times
‘Hello’
‘It’s me’ I was nervous I forgot to mention my name
‘I thought you would never call’ was his reply.
We agreed to meet after my therapist’s appointment, that was my fist date with Richard.
It’s been one and a half years and today he completes his residency. He has been so good to me, I wish to give him anything he wants today, after all his hard work has paid off.
I have made reservations at his favorite restaurant, he will meet me there.
At 7.30 he shows up with a smile, he comes next to my chair and plants a kiss on my cheek.
He is so in love with me, I wish I could give him my one hundred percent too.
“What can I give you today?” I ask with a smile
“I will get anything?” he asks mischievously
I nod
“I want to see your home” he says
Confused, I reply “You’ve seen it a thousand times”
“No silly, I want to see your real home Nepal”
Before I could say anything he says “You promised” and pulls out a box from his pocket ad pushes it towards me ‘whenever you are ready just say yes”
Will I ever be ready?
6 months and I always carry that ring in my bag, I haven’t said yes yet, I want him to see my past, my friends, the life that I lived first, so today we are going home, Nepal
Home will always be home, the air, the food, the people, they have a different taste. He seems mesmerized my Kathmandu, he didn’t want to rest but I insisted. We visited all of my favorite shrines, from the biggest Hindu temple Pashupatinath to the most peaceful place in the world Swyambhunath. We were there for a month, so we had plenty of time to explore, I even took him to Pokhara, oh god, he loves that place. I am glad we went to Nepal that is where I knew I could give my whole self to him, I was running away from my past but he made me strong enough to face it, he made me believe I was strong to go back and meet my friends, meet my people. All the while he had been my savior, loving me unconditionally and finally I saw it.
That
night, October 26th 2008, I remember almost 6 years back was the night Nikhil
walked out on me leaving a scar that would never heal. He is a married man now,
I wanted to see him, I wanted to tell him I survived. The trauma physical and
psychological he put me through I survived. It would be a miracle if I get to
see him tonight October 26th 2013. We were getting ready to go this party at
one of my favorite places in Kathmadu, I was wearing a red dress, he looked at
me and said “Has any one ever told you red makes you look like a princess,
absolutely stunning” I shook my head.
“He told me red made me look cheap, it made me look like a whore” Richard looked at me surprised, I had never discussed my past with him, what he knew was from my mom and my sisters, he never forced me to talk about it. He came close and wiped my tears ‘ You are my princess’ he said and I smiled with all my heart.
Everyone I knew were at that party, they all seemed to love Richard, they enjoyed his company while he mingled with my friends I started mingling with other people at the party, I knew most of them. In that crowd I spotted Nikhil, I stood still when I saw him walktowards me.
“Long time” he said
I nodded
My ears started to burn, I wanted to slap him, I wanted to yell “ You fucking coward do you beat your wife every night, do you rape her when she says no i don’t want to have sex tonight”
I saw images in front of my eyes, i heard voices, him calling mea whore, a cunt, him slapping me, punching me, kicking me, sitting on top me and fondling me when I begged him to stop. Tears started to run down my eyes, he reached out for a napkin with a smirk on his face and held it in his hand, I stood there looking at him, my hands about to hit him hard on his face, when I felt someone wrap his hand around my waist.
“Babe don’t waste your time with a stranger’ he whispered
I relaxed a little.
“He is dead, don’t let him him bring out the worst in you, he doesn’t even deserve to see that” he whispered again and planted a kiss on my the back of my neck
I relaxed a lot.
“I love you” he said
And I smiled. That is when I knew what I had to do. I took that ring out of my purse, looked Richard in the eye, I looked at Nikhil, his face disgusted me, I turned back to Richard and I got down on my knees, in front of everyone he stepped back a little shocked his eyes filled with tears
I said “ I love you and I am sorry I made you wait, I love you very much, you are my confidant, my best friend and I say yes”
To my surprise he got down on his knees and said “Finally, marry me?”
I nodded.
He kissed me I kissed him back. October 26th 2013 the most memorable night of my life.
Love is not a feeling you can control, it is the force which rules your soul, love kills and love heals. Love saved me. Love healed me
“He told me red made me look cheap, it made me look like a whore” Richard looked at me surprised, I had never discussed my past with him, what he knew was from my mom and my sisters, he never forced me to talk about it. He came close and wiped my tears ‘ You are my princess’ he said and I smiled with all my heart.
Everyone I knew were at that party, they all seemed to love Richard, they enjoyed his company while he mingled with my friends I started mingling with other people at the party, I knew most of them. In that crowd I spotted Nikhil, I stood still when I saw him walktowards me.
“Long time” he said
I nodded
My ears started to burn, I wanted to slap him, I wanted to yell “ You fucking coward do you beat your wife every night, do you rape her when she says no i don’t want to have sex tonight”
I saw images in front of my eyes, i heard voices, him calling mea whore, a cunt, him slapping me, punching me, kicking me, sitting on top me and fondling me when I begged him to stop. Tears started to run down my eyes, he reached out for a napkin with a smirk on his face and held it in his hand, I stood there looking at him, my hands about to hit him hard on his face, when I felt someone wrap his hand around my waist.
“Babe don’t waste your time with a stranger’ he whispered
I relaxed a little.
“He is dead, don’t let him him bring out the worst in you, he doesn’t even deserve to see that” he whispered again and planted a kiss on my the back of my neck
I relaxed a lot.
“I love you” he said
And I smiled. That is when I knew what I had to do. I took that ring out of my purse, looked Richard in the eye, I looked at Nikhil, his face disgusted me, I turned back to Richard and I got down on my knees, in front of everyone he stepped back a little shocked his eyes filled with tears
I said “ I love you and I am sorry I made you wait, I love you very much, you are my confidant, my best friend and I say yes”
To my surprise he got down on his knees and said “Finally, marry me?”
I nodded.
He kissed me I kissed him back. October 26th 2013 the most memorable night of my life.
Love is not a feeling you can control, it is the force which rules your soul, love kills and love heals. Love saved me. Love healed me
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