So, here I am, not regretting a bit of what I did. I am not sorry. In my eyes, I am not guilty, he deserved it. They have deemed me crazy, am I? I am staring at the white cushioned wall in my room; this room has been my home for a month now. This room is entirely white, a white bed and one white bed pan sits at a corner, a guard comes every 8 hours to empty the bed pan, and to give me food and water, there are plates everywhere, plates filled with food, some have molds on it, some are fresh, I don’t eat, I don’t drink, I am starving myself,  I want to die. I have lost the will to live; I don’t remember how and when but nothing about this life makes me want to live it further.

I think of ways I can take my life in this room, there is nothing. I thought of strangling my self  with my own hands, but the pain would be way too much to bear, I couldn’t suffocate myself my brain would automatically tell my hands to let go of my neck, I even thought about hitting myself with the bed pan, till I bleed to death, every time I imagine myself sitting at a corner, hitting myself with that bed pan, I laugh, it would be quite a scene, I imagine this room looking like a painting, blood spattered everywhere, in different shapes, different sizes, this white room definitely could use some color. I don’t mind dying that way, but I can’t stand the thought of my baby sister seeing my battered body, she couldn’t take it, and there is George, he thinks all of this is his fault, he blames himself for everything, it’s not, how can it be his fault? How can it be my George’s fault, he did everything he could. It’s me, may be I am crazy, I don’t want to go on this way, I am done.

Brown eyes, dark hair, tall, slender yet muscular frame, his handsome face fetched glances from many women, every time he walked in a room, he would own it, I am not that kind,  these past few years I have turned into some one else, the real me has died. I was never up for going anywhere; it was George, who forced me out of the house. Every time we entered a restaurant or a party, he would stand at the door way, take everything in, and he would smile a little, his lips crooked to the side, this made him look even more appealing, so appealing, I could see women drool. He walked straight, not acknowledging anyone’s presence but mine he held my hand, he lead and I followed, I always looked at him, looked at his back, and I noticed other women staring at me, they gave me that look, the look that said how on earth did he end up with her. George and I met in college, we both were in the same class, we were studying film making. He was always surrounded by women, and men as well, he was very likeable, he still is. I was a loner, didn’t bother to make friends, didn’t bother to say hello to anyone. One day, our professor gave us an assignment; we were supposed to make a movie, with a team of 5, actors, camera men, editor, director and script writers. I, Annie, am a loner, I said to myself and laid back in my seat, closed my eyes, after a while I opened it startled, and saw George’s face right in front, his lips moving, he was saying something but I couldn’t figure out what he was trying to say, he spoke again, this time more clearly, as his velvety soft voice, reached my ears, I was  mesmerized by his handsome face, his alluring smile, and his voice, oh, his voice gave me goose bumps. “So?”He asked, I said “okay”, he smiled and said “great than you are on our team, I want you to act”. Act, I thought, why did I say “okay”, may be this was god’s plan to introduce me to the love of my life.

With every passing day, George and I grew fond of each other, we became each other’s habit, but I never thought of him as a lover, I didn’t want to, deep down inside I thought if we would be in love he would break my heart and desert me, so I never gave him a chance. I always imagined blood rushing through my veins, my bones, every part in my body being alive with his touch, as his body would caress my body, his hands would softly touch my face, my lips, my curves I would moan in ecstasy. But that never happened, I didn’t let it happen. We kissed, only once, that too after I got arrested. I remember that day, his beautiful face looked sad, his eyes were red, he was up all night, or he had been crying his eyes out, well that is what it seemed like at that moment. He just stared at me, not saying a word, I could tell from his face, he was not happy, he hated me for doing what I did, he hated me for leaving my sister alone, he hated me for not going to him for help, he hated me because I hated myself. “I don’t want you to come see me again” I said, “Okay” he said, “take care of Natalie” I said, “Okay” he said, “be happy” I said, “ let me hire one of the best attorneys in the country, we can win this, you will be free again” he said, “no” I said, he took my hand, put his hands on top of it, squeezed it really hard and said “ I won’t be happy, then”  “not at the expense of me, you don’t get to be happy at my expense” I said, he laughed, “I am not doing this for you, I am doing this for Natalie” he said, “she has you” I said, “fine” he said, he got up and started to walk away, my heart stopped for a moment, I had to see his face again,  I knew he would keep his word and not come back again. “George” I yelled, I ran towards him, two guards tried to stop me, I fought them, I pushed them, I even bit one of them and I threw myself into his arms. “I love you” I said, “I can’t do anything about it now” he said, I looked into eyes which were full of tears, with my hands, I caressed his face, my fingers stopped at his lips, those lips that so many women must have kissed, so many want to kiss, I pressed my lips to his, and those 10 seconds, were the closest to heaven that I could have ever felt. His warm tender lips, blending into my dry coarse lips, it had a soothing effect, it made me happy, and for a while there I wanted to live. The guards pulled me from George’s arm, “go, now” I said, “I love you” he said “I know, and if you want to see me happy don’t let Natalie come see me, please”, I said, “but…” he was about to say something, one of the guards interrupted him, “sir, it’s time you leave”, he gave me one last look, and left.

This is by choice, I always knew if I get the chance, I would kill him, I would kill the man who raped me off my innocence, who raped me off my happiness, who raped me off my life.  That night George and I had gone to this art exhibition, his mother is a famous modern artist, it was her art exhibition that we went to. That night I wore a nice sunset orange dress; it was a gift from George, a bit of make up and heals. George said I looked out of this world beautiful, I believed him. “I have a feeling, tonight is not going to be a very good night” George said, “are you worried about what your mother might say?” I asked, “no, when you are around she lets me be, she loves you, she thinks with you I am in good hands” he answered, I laughed.  We reached the place where the exhibition was taking place, we walked inside hand in hand, we were looking for his mother, she was busy mingling with the crowd and there my eyes came across a familiar face, I let go of George’s hand, “what happened?” he asked, “nothing, I saw an old friend, I will go say hi to him” I said, “you want me to come?” he asked, I shook my head and said no. He was looking at me with the eyes of a predator, I went near him “so you finally found me” he said, I smiled and said yes. He talked about how he missed me, and how his wife couldn’t keep him happy. I wrote my address on a piece of paper, slipped it inside his pocket, and said “come see me in an hour”. I tried hard not to let my hatred for him show, I had to play nice. I told George I was having a headache and had to leave, he offered to come, but I said no. Exactly after an hour, the door bell rang, it was him. He entered my apartment with a smirk on his face, came near me and said, tonight will be an unforgettable night, I agreed, I was going to kill him. I had hid a knife under my couch, I took out a bottle of wine, poured in two glasses, and sat on the couch, he smelled my hair, and started kissing my neck, it disgusted me, but I had to pretend, I lay down on the couch, he slowly came on top of me,, he was getting frisky,  he was touching me, and kissing me all over, my hands reached under the couch, I pulled out a knife, and stabbed him on his back, I stabbed him again and again, till blood was everywhere, and I still continued to stab him, I sat in the pool of blood, took out his phone and called his wife, she answered, and I said “ I killed him, I finally killed him” she started crying over the phone and told me I was lying, I gave her my address and she came with the police. I was sitting there laughing, she came inside running, she slapped me, but still I continued to laugh. I didn’t call anyone, I told the police I had no friends and I was an orphan. George and Natalie found out what I had done from the news, at the court I could see Natalie, full of tears, George in shock. According to the police I stabbed him one hundred and forty times, his wife’s attorney said “how can a normal human being do such a thing, stab somebody not once, not twice but 145 times” I stayed quiet, all I did was laugh, the defense had no case. The court declared I was mentally unstable and was sentenced to life imprisonment, so here I am.

Today is the day, I am going to hang myself till death, I am going to use my bed sheet and my clothes to make something that would act like a rope and hold my weight. I am waiting for night fall; the guards will be distracted, or will be on a break. There is something that looks like an anchor right above my bed, my bed has wheels it moves around, so it won’t be a problem. As darkness approaches, I take my clothes off, tie them to my bed sheet, make a strong knot, as the guards are leaving, I am standing on my bed naked, I am looking at my naked body and laughing my heart out. I have already tied the bed sheet around my neck, and the bed sheet is already hung on the anchor. It’s time.

Good Bye, I am sorry Natalie, the past few years, you were my big sister, I should have taken care for you, I am sorry, I will always watch over you. George: I love you, please be happy, find a girl and please fall in love again, and please take care of Natalie.

                                 

                                                             GOODBYE