Closure

Roxette’s “Must have been love” was playing in the back ground, she was singing along, and cooking, she enjoyed cooking, it made her happy, at least she tried to be happy. She had built a world of her own and she shielded herself, a shield that protected her and didn’t show the world that she was lost and scared.  “This looks good” she said to her self, she was all ready to eat the pork chops she made, as she sat down to eat, her phone rang, she didn’t recognize the number, so she ignored, but it rang again and again, finally she said “ Hello” , from the other end she heard a man say “hello”, in a polite almost sympathetic tone. Her heart sank, she started to tremble, she needed something to hold onto, she needed someone to hold her, make sure she wouldn’t fall. The man said “hello”, again, tears fell from her eyes, with one hand on her head, she leaned on the wall and slowly sat down. This was the same voice that once made her heart beat fast, this was the same voice that brought a smile to her face, this was the voice that scared her and now this voice made her sick to her stomach. “I know, you are there and you can hear me, I understand if you don’t want to talk, but please hear me out once, I have to say this, once and for all” said that man With every word he uttered, her nightmares came to life, with every word he said, she remembered the first slap, she remembered the abuse, she remembered the strangulation, she remembered everything, and now she was reliving the ghosts that she thought had left her.

He said “I cannot go on like this, you need to forgive me so that I can happily move on in life, every now and then I think about you, I see you run up and down the stairs of my house, at times I see you sitting at a corner and crying, at times when I am alone I hear your laughter and at times I hear your cries, your memories haunt me, please set me free”.

 “I am sorry, I won’t talk about her again, I am just insecure, I am really sorry” she was begging, “I always tell you not to trigger me when I am drunk, why don’t you listen, you never listen, you good for nothing, you bitch you never listen “he shouted, he slapped her and she fell on the floor, she thought about that moment, she felt a chill on her spine, as she heard him speak, one by one those buried memories came to life, she saw them right before her eyes, she prayed for someone to help her, someone to come along and comfort her, she prayed for those memories to go away, she prayed for this to be a nightmare, she prayed and she prayed, she tried hard not to say a word and he continued to talk

“Don’t you think I deserve to be happy? I need closure!” he said, he further added “Natasha, because of you I know how to love, I have changed, I will treat my wife right, I love her very much, and in many ways I miss you, this is not fair to her, I want to be fair to her and only you can help me, unchain my heart, tell me you have a man in your life, tell me you forgive me”

“Fair?” she thought to herself, “Fair?” she laughed in her mind, “Fair?” she shouted in her head, “Fair?” she cried.

“You like him, right? That’s why you are defending him?”  He said slamming the car door; she sat inside his car afraid to get out, “why did you defend him? You are my woman, you embarrassed me in front of everyone, and you secretly like him don’t you? You whore, if you ruin my reputation, I will finish you” he shouted, with eyes full of tears she said “babe, you were wrong, and he is a friend, I love you”  

“Fair, didn’t this word exist when we were in a relationship?” she thought. She couldn’t take it, she couldn’t hold it in

And finally

 “Fair?” she shouted “Fair?” she shouted again, “don’t talk to me about being fair, you don’t know the first thing about being fair. “Fair? you damaged me emotionally, I cannot let any man in, I cannot even tell a man I like him, I am afraid every guy will turn out to be you, you have left me emotionally scarred, and you are talking to me about being fair?, was it fair, when you beat me up almost every night and blamed me for it? Was it fair when you flirted with other women and blamed me for cheating on you, was it fair that every day I had to live fearing I might upset you, everyday I thought today if I aggravate him, in rage he might kill me, but still I loved you, so tell me is it fair that you have the audacity to ask me to be fair?” she said.

She was angry, her palms were sweaty, she was breathing heavily, she knew if she let it out today, she would be a happier person.

“I am sorry for all that” he said, embarrassed.

She laughed at him, mocking him and said “You are a coward; after all that you did to me, you disappeared on me, I waited for you, I waited, like the drought waits for the rain, you never even bothered to call. Why? Because you were cheating on me, and you never admitted it, you never had the courage to admit it, you think you are a man, a man never walks out on a woman, a man is courageous enough to admit he is an asshole. Give me back the four years of my life, give me back me, then I will forgive you, can you do that?” she said

He listened.

“Everyday I ask god to make you a better person so that other people in your life won’t have to suffer. Everyday I ask god to make me fall in love again, everyday I ask god to send someone, someone who would make me happy, who would help me heal, and when they do come I push them away, I fear if they know me, if they know my story they will run away, I am needy, I am scared, I am lonely and it’s because of you, so give me back me, the me that was happy and confident and not afraid, and I will forgive you”

“I…” he said

“You don’t get to talk, today you listen” she said

“The difference between you and me is I am nice, I have already forgotten about you, I have forgiven you already, the reason you are guilty is because you never apologized and still I forgave you. You will have to live the rest of your life, seeing, imagining, hearing, reliving the horror I have lived, that’s your punishment, I have forgiven you already, I guess I needed this, you never gave a proper closure to this relationship, after 2 years I can finally move on, Thank you !” she said

“Natasha” he called her name.

She hung up. Laughed.  Washed her face, and sat down to eat.