Natasha's quest for love : 1

“Am I not pretty?” she asked, “you are one of the prettiest girls I have seen till now” he said, “Am I not smart enough?” “Yes, you are, you are smart, funny, talented, endearing, you are everything a man would seek in a woman” he answered, “So why can’t you find your woman in me?” she asked again, he smiled and said “Why, would you want to be with a man like me, I am an average guy, with average personality, average look, average job and an average life style,  I am a loner, I cannot give my heart readily to just anyone, my heart’s been broken, and I don’t want to make it strong, I love it this way, I love this pain, I am used to it, I don’t think I can live with out it. Every time you walk in through the doors of my office, my heart takes a leap, every time you are not around, my eyes look for you, every time the door opens, I imagine you walk in,  when you come say hello, I feel special, I pretend not to acknowledge your presence, but seeing you even for  mere minutes, makes my day, makes my evening, you are different, so different it scares me to think about being your man, you have been through a lot, and I don’t want to be one of the reasons to cause you stress, to make that beautiful smile disappear. This is such an irony, every bone in my body tells me, to fall for you, to take you by the hand and show you a different world, to just kiss your beautiful lips, and get lost in the depth of your eyes, I can’t, I can’t allow myself to do that, I like you, I don’t show it, it scares me and I start acting indifferent”

There was an awkward silence, they sat in front of each other, he looked at her and she looked away. It was a cold night, everyone preferred to sit inside, there was no one around, just them and silence, that filled the air. She fiddled through her purse, took out a pack of cigarettes, as she about to light a cigarette, he took away the pack from her hand and said, “I thought you quit smoking”, she ignored him, and started to smoke, he added “It’s your lungs, I don’t care, if you don’t care, but don’t give me cancer, try not to smoke in front of me” she ignored again.

The first time she saw him, he was standing right in front of her, he smiled at her and said hello, she didn’t know what to say, so she walked away, didn’t even give him  a smile or a nod.  She saw him almost everyday, gradually she started getting fonder of his face, his silent demeanor, his smile, and she basically was growing fonder of him. He never said, hello, or even smiled at her after the first incident, and neither did she bother to say anything. She was drawn towards him, she didn’t know why and how but she felt a pull, every time she saw him. Here and there, she would muster up the courage, to say “hi” and he would give her a straight face. Now and then she would catch him looking at her, she would get nervous and pretend to be doing something important.

She felt he was attracted towards her, she knew just the way she was drawn towards him, he was drawn towards her as well and she knew well he would never take the initiative. You watch movies, and you see the hero, run after his love, fight for her, and finally make her, his. But this was no movie; this was a real life story. They were two completely different people, she was new to this country, and he was a well brought up American boy, she had very few friends, she was just starting out, she didn’t have a life, he never was short of friends, and his life was worth living in her eyes.

She knew she had to get to know him; she wanted to know what made him happy, and what didn’t. Everyone told her, she shouldn’t be pursuing a man, she wasn’t pursuing him, she would never ask him out, she knew if she did, flat out he would say no, she knew if she stayed as a friend, she would have him for a long time.

It was not love that she felt for him, she could see it in eyes, the sadness and the melancholy. His eyes had a peculiar charm, they were sad but pretended to be happy. At times she felt if only she could read those eyes, and if he knew.  Time passed by, she finally got him to talk, she shared her emotional traumas, he shared his dreams, she made him laugh, he made sure she knew she could make him laugh.

They knew there was a force that pulled them towards each other, they had this tension, physical and emotional every time they were in front of each other, there were awkward moments, and awkward silences, and he knew he made her nervous, but he never admitted she made him nervous as well.  He knew, she liked him and he always tried his best not make her feel he liked her, but she knew he did, he was either in denial or he just didn’t want to admit it.

“I am drawn toward you, I don’t know what it is and I don’t even want to know, I just want  you to know, that I get butterflies in my stomach, every time I see you, you don’t have to like me back, but I just want you to know” she said. He just stared at her, not knowing what to say he got up and walked away. A week later she messaged him and asked him to meet her,  so here they are, sitting in front of each of other, not letting the cold bother them, not letting the awkward silence engulf the moment, they are here, because  they care and neither wants to walk away.

Her restless heart flutters

Around you, it struggles

Her restless heart flutters

Around you, she sputters

She trembles, she laughs,

She is here, she is there

But not a word she utters

Her restless heart flutters

A way she makes through the clutter

Your smile, she freezes

Her heart she gives

Only to be thrown in the gutter

Her broken heart flutters

Around you, it’s weaker

Her broken heart flutters

Closure

Roxette’s “Must have been love” was playing in the back ground, she was singing along, and cooking, she enjoyed cooking, it made her happy, at least she tried to be happy. She had built a world of her own and she shielded herself, a shield that protected her and didn’t show the world that she was lost and scared.  “This looks good” she said to her self, she was all ready to eat the pork chops she made, as she sat down to eat, her phone rang, she didn’t recognize the number, so she ignored, but it rang again and again, finally she said “ Hello” , from the other end she heard a man say “hello”, in a polite almost sympathetic tone. Her heart sank, she started to tremble, she needed something to hold onto, she needed someone to hold her, make sure she wouldn’t fall. The man said “hello”, again, tears fell from her eyes, with one hand on her head, she leaned on the wall and slowly sat down. This was the same voice that once made her heart beat fast, this was the same voice that brought a smile to her face, this was the voice that scared her and now this voice made her sick to her stomach. “I know, you are there and you can hear me, I understand if you don’t want to talk, but please hear me out once, I have to say this, once and for all” said that man With every word he uttered, her nightmares came to life, with every word he said, she remembered the first slap, she remembered the abuse, she remembered the strangulation, she remembered everything, and now she was reliving the ghosts that she thought had left her.

He said “I cannot go on like this, you need to forgive me so that I can happily move on in life, every now and then I think about you, I see you run up and down the stairs of my house, at times I see you sitting at a corner and crying, at times when I am alone I hear your laughter and at times I hear your cries, your memories haunt me, please set me free”.

 “I am sorry, I won’t talk about her again, I am just insecure, I am really sorry” she was begging, “I always tell you not to trigger me when I am drunk, why don’t you listen, you never listen, you good for nothing, you bitch you never listen “he shouted, he slapped her and she fell on the floor, she thought about that moment, she felt a chill on her spine, as she heard him speak, one by one those buried memories came to life, she saw them right before her eyes, she prayed for someone to help her, someone to come along and comfort her, she prayed for those memories to go away, she prayed for this to be a nightmare, she prayed and she prayed, she tried hard not to say a word and he continued to talk

“Don’t you think I deserve to be happy? I need closure!” he said, he further added “Natasha, because of you I know how to love, I have changed, I will treat my wife right, I love her very much, and in many ways I miss you, this is not fair to her, I want to be fair to her and only you can help me, unchain my heart, tell me you have a man in your life, tell me you forgive me”

“Fair?” she thought to herself, “Fair?” she laughed in her mind, “Fair?” she shouted in her head, “Fair?” she cried.

“You like him, right? That’s why you are defending him?”  He said slamming the car door; she sat inside his car afraid to get out, “why did you defend him? You are my woman, you embarrassed me in front of everyone, and you secretly like him don’t you? You whore, if you ruin my reputation, I will finish you” he shouted, with eyes full of tears she said “babe, you were wrong, and he is a friend, I love you”  

“Fair, didn’t this word exist when we were in a relationship?” she thought. She couldn’t take it, she couldn’t hold it in

And finally

 “Fair?” she shouted “Fair?” she shouted again, “don’t talk to me about being fair, you don’t know the first thing about being fair. “Fair? you damaged me emotionally, I cannot let any man in, I cannot even tell a man I like him, I am afraid every guy will turn out to be you, you have left me emotionally scarred, and you are talking to me about being fair?, was it fair, when you beat me up almost every night and blamed me for it? Was it fair when you flirted with other women and blamed me for cheating on you, was it fair that every day I had to live fearing I might upset you, everyday I thought today if I aggravate him, in rage he might kill me, but still I loved you, so tell me is it fair that you have the audacity to ask me to be fair?” she said.

She was angry, her palms were sweaty, she was breathing heavily, she knew if she let it out today, she would be a happier person.

“I am sorry for all that” he said, embarrassed.

She laughed at him, mocking him and said “You are a coward; after all that you did to me, you disappeared on me, I waited for you, I waited, like the drought waits for the rain, you never even bothered to call. Why? Because you were cheating on me, and you never admitted it, you never had the courage to admit it, you think you are a man, a man never walks out on a woman, a man is courageous enough to admit he is an asshole. Give me back the four years of my life, give me back me, then I will forgive you, can you do that?” she said

He listened.

“Everyday I ask god to make you a better person so that other people in your life won’t have to suffer. Everyday I ask god to make me fall in love again, everyday I ask god to send someone, someone who would make me happy, who would help me heal, and when they do come I push them away, I fear if they know me, if they know my story they will run away, I am needy, I am scared, I am lonely and it’s because of you, so give me back me, the me that was happy and confident and not afraid, and I will forgive you”

“I…” he said

“You don’t get to talk, today you listen” she said

“The difference between you and me is I am nice, I have already forgotten about you, I have forgiven you already, the reason you are guilty is because you never apologized and still I forgave you. You will have to live the rest of your life, seeing, imagining, hearing, reliving the horror I have lived, that’s your punishment, I have forgiven you already, I guess I needed this, you never gave a proper closure to this relationship, after 2 years I can finally move on, Thank you !” she said

“Natasha” he called her name.

She hung up. Laughed.  Washed her face, and sat down to eat.