Love-you and me

Love

You and me

Happily together

Sharing a bed

Cuddles and pillow fights

Love making

You and me

Love

You and me

Arguments and envy

She, him, they

We shouldn’t really care

Yell! You shout

Tears, I cry

Jealousy defines me

Possessive describes you

Love

You and me

I try to run

You grab my hair

I beg

You snarl

A slap

My cheeks are burning red

A push

I am on the floor

A kick

I bawl,  kick in the stomach, I pray

Love

You and me

I dread sharing our bed

No, not tonight

I say

There is no denying

You roar

I punch but in vein

You are already in me

My shirt comes apart

Pain! I shriek

You give me a smirk

I hurt

You enjoy

I say no

You hear yes

Love

You and me

I have been through enough

Run! It’s time I run

I say “no, this is it”

You cry “please stay” you say

My heart melts

I am weak

I stay

Tring, tring!

Hello I say

He says hello

Bitch you yell

I fall on the floor

He is a friend I explain

I black out

Blood oozes down my nose

Love

You and me

I say good bye

You fixate on her

I ask why?

You say it was you

I wake up screaming at night

You sleep like a baby in her arms

I shed tears

You echo laughter

I am blue

You are rosy

Ugly! I am

Thank you

Incompetent I feel

It’s because of you

Love

You and me

Happily apart

Or so I think?

Just another love story

Have you ever wished you could break away?
Had the courage to walk out when you had the chance, just walk away before things got worse and your life came crumbling down.
I have. And I waited, I chose to endure what no woman even in her night mare would wish to experience.
I waited till he forced himself in me every night, I begged, I weeped, I shivered, I prayed but he didn’t stop until I told myself “he has done enough damage, run as fast as you can before you turn into an irreparable damaged good” And so I ran. 
My name is Natasha and that was my past, I am not a victim, I am a survivor and this is my story.
I was standing in a field of wild flowers, the wind kissing my face gently, I was wearing a long flowing dress, my hair flying away with the breeze, it was the happiest I had ever been. I spread my hands and took a deep breath for I didn’t know how long I would get to be here, time and again I felt something pulling me to a place I didn’t want to go back to, that pull I would like to describe as an electric current being passed through my being then I would hear some one call my name “Natasha”, then some one would scream it “ NATASHA”. 
Natasha wanted to ignore those voices, she wanted to live among these wild flowers, it was so beautiful and so livable. I finally was able to not pay attention to the unseen voices, my feet slowly moving forward, one step at a time, I convinced myself heaven would not be as beautiful as this place, a few steps farther was a stream that flowed to a river that the human eye couldn’t conceive, all the seven colors of the rainbow reflecting in this water made it look so very colorful, next to the stream were trees, tall, big, wide trees that sheltered Nightingales I could hear them sing a melancholy tune but even that melancholic sound seemed jolly and on the trees grew fruits, golden, silver fruits, colorful fruits, all in the same tree. It was a place to be explored and there was no stopping me. A few miles away from the trees I could see butterflies, rabbits and deer, in the midst of all those animals was something that sparkled, I couldn’t make out what is was from a distance, so slowly I moved forward. In anticipation and excitement I pranced forward happily, upon moving closer I figured it was a hole that sparkled, tempting, I felt a pull, it called me, I noticed all the animals staying far away from it but that didn’t stop me, little did I know only on the outside it was appealing. 
Nothing is ever as it seems, that glittered on the outside in the inside had a world of it’s own. It was big enough for me to stand and walk straight though it had a lot of nooks and crannies I decided to just go ahead and explore it. At first I stumbled on a rock but I didn't fall, as I was walking I felt this weird tingle go through the whole of my body, my shoulders started to feel heavy and my heart started to beat rapidly, I was breathing heavily when I started hearing footsteps, voices, cries, I felt hands coming out of the walls eager to grab me any moment I started to walk fast, the faster I walked the longer the hands grew. I had no courage to look behind, the footsteps seemed more closer, I was panicking, I was palpitating, I needed to lean some where and relax, the hands were still there, the footsteps were still following me but still I stood l in the middle of my path taking deep breaths, everything seemed calm for a while, till I felt something slither on my right leg and crawl in an upward motion, that’s when I jumped and I ran, alas! My rotten luck I tripped on my own dress and fell I hit my head on a big boulder, thud! Was the sound, I lay flat on back, blood oozing out of my forehead, till I was lying unconscious in the pool of my own blood.

“Try it again, 1 2 3, clear” I felt my body rise and fall in milliseconds, “one more time 1 2 3 clear, c’mon Natasha, wake up” I didn’t know where to go, I was in this hole lying in the pool of my own blood and now some one’s asking me to wake up, I want to sleep, but they are not letting me, my mom “mom” I yell, she is crying, oh god what did I do this time? Mom don’t cry I am here, my sisters look sad, why? I am here, I am coming to you, please don’t shed tears, I love you, please don’t cry, I saw everyone’s faces and amongst those faces I saw my dad in shock. I wanted to go put my arms around him and say I am fine, I will make it, I will, so I gathered all the courage in me, woke up I was soaked in my own blood still I followed the voices- ‘Natasha you are going to live, you hear us, we are not giving up on you”, slowly I felt something pull me under my own flesh, a deep sigh “she is back, she is back, pass me the oxygen mask” that was the first audible sound in my ears, “you are going to be alright, you are a fighter’ a man in a blue uniform was hovering over my face, while the other wore gloves and had an injection in his hand, I looked every where, it felt like my body was in motion, I saw machines, machines that made noises, machines that showed my heart beat, what had happened? My head was hurting, I was dehydrated, my body ached, I felt weak and my right hand cried in pain. It took a while for me to register I was in an emergency vehicle, I could smell blood all over me, their faces showed relief, how did I get here? I tried to get up, but body was tied down with wires of all sorts and ivys did I? Yes, I had tried to kill myself, I slit my wrists and I had lived. 
I was in a daze the first week, under constant observation I felt like a prisoner in the hospital. The only people that came to visit were my family, nurses, my doctor and his students and a psychiatrist. I had tried to kill myself, everyone wanted to know why? Suicide is a heinous crime and before they would let me go they wanted to make sure that thought will never cross my mind again. I don’t remember how many days I spent there, to me it seemed like months, I was sedated, I am not sure, one morning I remember this doctor enter my room, he was a young man, only later I found out he was doing his residency and was not bad looking. He came close to my bed, I pretended to sleep, it had been days since I spoke to anyone besides my therapist and I was in no mood to talk to any one, not even my dad. I heard him mumble something, It wasn’t very audible the sedatives were definitely working, all I could make out was “why would you do something like that?” When I heard him leave the room, I opened my eyes to see a bouquet of white roses sit next to my bed. He came everyday with roses, I heard him talk to my sisters, i heard console my mom and give hope to my dad. I overheard him and my therapist talk, I guess he was one of my doctors, she said (my therapist) ‘she has a lot of deep rooted issues and she feels guilty for making her loved ones go through this’. 
I did feel guilty, it hurt me to see my family hurt, they knew everything and they always hoped I would heal, but I never did, after three year of leaving my country and leaving my past behind I still tried to kill myself, would I ever heal? The only person I spoke to was my therapist, she was in her 40s, very understanding, she told me she lost one of her daughters too, she took sleeping pills the whole bottle, she was in love with a guy who would not love her the way she loved him. She was too weak to face rejection. She empathized with me, may be in me she saw her daughter. She told me I was making progress and would get to leave soon. . 
One day he came to my room, the doctor with white roses my mom and sisters were sitting with me, when he came they smiled and left us alone. This time he came with orange roses, he smiled, sat on the edge of my bed ‘ Your mom told me you love orange’ I smiled and said thank you.
“You know doctor’s don’t do this, actually they are not supposed to grow attached to their patients, no that I am a full fledged doctor I am only doing my residency it’s been 6 month, I know I am not making any sense but hear me out. When they first bought you here Dr. Stevens was assigned to your case, he is my father and he pulled me in to work with him, everyone felt sorry for you, a beautiful young woman like you why did you try to take your own life, I didn’t want to know that neither did I feel sorry for you,I wanted to know the girl who would survive it I felt different around you and I knew I had seen you somewhere that entire time I was trying to place you and then I remembered I had seen you at a bar, Hard times in fairfax city you were sitting with a friend drinking martini and you were going on about how you hated nursing school, I didnot eavesdrop much, i was playing pool, after finishing up my game I wanted to buy you a drink but you had already left, see I am not a weirdo, I liked you the moment I saw you”
He spoke in such a rapid manner, all I could do was nod. 
“Don’t be nervous” I said
He laughed.
“If you don’t mind let me take you out for dinner when you get out of this place?”
I nodded again.
He wrote his number on a piece of paper. 
My mother was happy, she would never approve of an American boyfriend but this one she approved of.

I had to meet my therapist every Friday till she felt I was not a threat to myself. Most of my time I spent lying on my bed or watching television, mom and dad tried their best not to let me out of their sight. One day my dad told me “you should go out, have fun”, i nodded, those days all I did was nod.
“Call that doctor” he said and gave me that paper.
I did. 
I rang a few times
‘Hello’
‘It’s me’ I was nervous I forgot to mention my name
‘I thought you would never call’ was his reply.
We agreed to meet after my therapist’s appointment, that was my fist date with Richard.
It’s been one and a half years and today he completes his residency. He has been so good to me, I wish to give him anything he wants today, after all his hard work has paid off. 
I have made reservations at his favorite restaurant, he will meet me there.
At 7.30 he shows up with a smile, he comes next to my chair and plants a kiss on my cheek. 
He is so in love with me, I wish I could give him my one hundred percent too.
“What can I give you today?” I ask with a smile
“I will get anything?” he asks mischievously
I nod
“I want to see your home” he says
Confused, I reply “You’ve seen it a thousand times”
“No silly, I want to see your real home Nepal”
Before I could say anything he says “You promised” and pulls out a box from his pocket ad pushes it towards me ‘whenever you are ready just say yes”
Will I ever be ready?
6 months and I always carry that ring in my bag, I haven’t said yes yet, I want him to see my past, my friends, the life that I lived first, so today we are going home, Nepal
Home will always be home, the air, the food, the people, they have a different taste. He seems mesmerized my Kathmandu, he didn’t want to rest but I insisted. We visited all of my favorite shrines, from the biggest Hindu temple Pashupatinath to the most peaceful place in the world Swyambhunath. We were there for a month, so we had plenty of time to explore, I even took him to Pokhara, oh god, he loves that place. I am glad we went to Nepal that is where I knew I could give my whole self to him, I was running away from my past but he made me strong enough to face it, he made me believe I was strong to go back and meet my friends, meet my people. All the while he had been my savior, loving me unconditionally and finally I saw it.

That night, October 26th 2008, I remember almost 6 years back was the night Nikhil walked out on me leaving a scar that would never heal. He is a married man now, I wanted to see him, I wanted to tell him I survived. The trauma physical and psychological he put me through I survived. It would be a miracle if I get to see him tonight October 26th 2013. We were getting ready to go this party at one of my favorite places in Kathmadu, I was wearing a red dress, he looked at me and said “Has any one ever told you red makes you look like a princess, absolutely stunning” I shook my head. 
“He told me red made me look cheap, it made me look like a whore” Richard looked at me surprised, I had never discussed my past with him, what he knew was from my mom and my sisters, he never forced me to talk about it. He came close and wiped my tears ‘ You are my princess’ he said and I smiled with all my heart. 
Everyone I knew were at that party, they all seemed to love Richard, they enjoyed his company while he mingled with my friends I started mingling with other people at the party, I knew most of them. In that crowd I spotted Nikhil, I stood still when I saw him walktowards me.
“Long time” he said
I nodded
My ears started to burn, I wanted to slap him, I wanted to yell “ You fucking coward do you beat your wife every night, do you rape her when she says no i don’t want to have sex tonight”
I saw images in front of my eyes, i heard voices, him calling mea whore, a cunt, him slapping me, punching me, kicking me, sitting on top me and fondling me when I begged him to stop. Tears started to run down my eyes, he reached out for a napkin with a smirk on his face and held it in his hand, I stood there looking at him, my hands about to hit him hard on his face, when I felt someone wrap his hand around my waist. 
“Babe don’t waste your time with a stranger’ he whispered
I relaxed a little.
“He is dead, don’t let him him bring out the worst in you, he doesn’t even deserve to see that” he whispered again and planted a kiss on my the back of my neck
I relaxed a lot. 
“I love you” he said 
And I smiled. That is when I knew what I had to do. I took that ring out of my purse, looked Richard in the eye, I looked at Nikhil, his face disgusted me, I turned back to Richard and I got down on my knees, in front of everyone he stepped back a little shocked his eyes filled with tears
I said “ I love you and I am sorry I made you wait, I love you very much, you are my confidant, my best friend and I say yes” 
To my surprise he got down on his knees and said “Finally, marry me?”
I nodded.
He kissed me I kissed him back. October 26th 2013 the most memorable night of my life. 
Love is not a feeling you can control, it is the force which rules your soul, love kills and love heals. Love saved me. Love healed me

Love, my reality

Love, I have fallen in and out of it so many times.

Love, when you want to write, easiest topic to write about.

Love, you love your dog, that little black dress, your one and only Chanel bag, you love a person.

Love, confusing and yet so intriguing.

Love, at times shattering.

Love, at times healing.

I have met men, men of different ethnicity, color, built, facial structure. Some men left a hollow spot in my heart, some left a mark.

Some went out of their way to win me over, some assumed I would just read their minds and some walked all over me. I have always let the third kind of male species rule my life, even when they were no longer a part of it. I have so many fond memories of the first two kinds and now I want to give them importance.

I met him when I was recovering, I was collecting the pieces of my broken heart, I was soothing my charred soul. He came like the soft breeze, touching me gently, helping me gradually. He is the one who has left a mark in my heart, he is the one who expected me to read his feelings with out him displaying it. He was my savior, he doesn’t know, when I hurt I long for him, he fills up the void in me.

He is the man I would want to make babies with. He would be a perfect life partner. But he is a friend, a friend I would like to keep for life.

It’s not about winning neither it’s about losing, his memories are enough to make me smile. We never made promises, we never tried hard to be a part of each other’s life but some how the thread that connected us was always intact, funny, even when we are oceans apart it still is.

He is an average looking man with a heart bigger than the Kalahari desert.

He says “ We will never be together, but I make you happy and that’s what matters the most”

He says “ You had your chance, you blew it” and laughs

He says “ I will always love you, I would never leave you for the dogs” and he means it

He wants me to be happy. I kid around a lot, I am a teenager with him. I am at ease in hin presence- tangible or intangible.

I tell him “I think I want to die”- he doesn’t react much just says “don’t say things like that”

I tell him “ I want to see the world”. He smiles and says “which ever part of the world I am in, when you start traveling that’s the first place you will visit”

He doesn’t have a loud voice. He is a gentleman, the kind that opens the car door for you, pulls your chair, holds your coat, you get my point.

So, why? Are you stupid? Seriously girl he was a catch, what is wrong with you? Might be the questions you want to ask me.

I have the answers ready.

I am an emotionally damaged piece, very hard to fix. I go down and take others down with me.

I don’t need so much loving, I am the wrong person, i don’t deserve it and I didn’t want to hurt him. I have always believed actions speak louder than words, but I could never hear his actions speak, I chose not to.

He was too good for me, he still is. He deserves some one as good as him if not better than him. I want him to be happy and that is possible if he and I always stay friends. I am a pusher, I think I enjoy pushing people away, that’s my shield, I pushed him, again and again, he didn’t budge all he said was “ I am here to stay if not as a lover, as a friend for life”- I am glad he meant it.

His name is Kevin. I will never forget him.

I have been very lucky with men, most of the times, excluding the part where I met a screwed up retard. He is not the center of this story, he doesn’t deserve to be. The center of this story is the one who went out of his way to win me over.

Now, let me introduce you to Aron- our love and hate relationship shall be told and it will be immortal.

He was the first man to pursue me, he chased, I ran, he gave up, I gave in and the game was never ending.

He is possessive, his girl or not, I will always be his girl. I know it’s confusing.

He would punch a man right in his face if it meant to protect me. He would jump in the line of fire to save me and this I can bet my life on.

He is arrogant, oh my his arrogance knows no bounds, loves himself so much that you could build a different world based on his narcissism.  So how did I fit in his I, me, myself bubble? – he met his match.

Him and I met at a pub. We had a common friend and that is how he won the challenge. Challenge you may think, continue reading

I was oblivious to his presence even though he stood right next to me, I didn’t notice him when he followed me to the bar neither did I give him attention when we were out in the cold smoking. That was me pretending.

I caught his attention because his narcissistic self didn’t get any from me.

“What’s your number?” he caught me off guard

“ I don’t talk to strangers” was my come back. Lame.

“C’mon, my name is Aron, stranger no more, number?”

“You are a weirdo. No”

“Okay. Give me 24 hours and I will find it out myself, when I do, you and I go on a lunch date”

“Agreed, and yes if we do go on that date get me a bouquet of yellow roses and dark chocolates, my favorites”

“Sure, just so you know 24 hours is a lifetime to win a such small challenge, this world is a small place Maya” He knew my name, I should have known

After three hours I get a call, yes from Aron and so began our love and hate relationship.

Yes, I did get my yellow roses and dark chocolates, I am not exaggerating, but I got a hundred dark chocolates.

That was one of the best lunches I ever had. He will always be the one to make me laugh.

He and I hung out every day, till one day I cried, cried my heart out and told him I was not ready. He said he was impatient, I could do nothing about it.

He disappeared with out a trace. I was guilty and I hated him for not being patient.

I remember he said once he didn’t want anything to do with me. I am so glad he didn’t mean it.

“You know I will always love you not because I have to. I care about you. The feelings I have for you are so genuine it makes me mad” this is what I hear from him every day.

We have a pact if by thirty both of us are single and unmarried, we will marry each other. Lord have mercy on us. I am Jerry and he is Tom.

I miss my Tom every day.

Nathan was supposed to be a fling, wham bam thank you mam kind of fling. My rotten luck all the men that have come into my life don’t leave. It’s like I have a net and they are tangled in it.

I met Nathan when I was drunk. I made out with him that night. Totally unaware that I would run into him almost everyday of my life.

After the making out party, we ran into each other again, actually on several occasions  when he finally asked if I liked coffee, of course I love coffee.

That’s how we sat down to talk. Awkward.

“Why do you have to be s different?” he asked

My answer was “ I don’t know”

The beauty of our relationship was that we could pick up where we left. Even a simple reply as “ I don’t know” said everything.

He tried his best to figure me out but he failed miserably.

Nathan is the one that got away.

Would I get it right if I get a second chance, no. I love that he got away and came back.

We play hide and seek, that’s why our bond is so different.

There is never a moment of silence, never umm or blank- we always have something to talk about.

If I want it hide from this world, i would run to him, he would keep me hidden in his secret haven.

I think about him everyday .

I would not change a thing about how my relationships with these men is or how it could have been.

We might have loved, we might have hated each other’s guts. We might have vowed never to speak to each other again, it’s all about what could have been and what is.

I will not have them as lovers, they are not even friends, they are just special, people who make memories beautiful, future look pleasant, they make my life just easy.

They all got away but they stayed.  And that’s the beauty in it- in the relationship we share.

“It’s not like I wanted to do this.
I didn’t. It just happened.
Look at me Mr. FBI  you think I am pretty, I appeal to your senses” she said confidently.
She smiled her sultry smile, moved closer, brushed my hair with her finger tips, her breath on my face, she said in a seductive voice
“You want me
They died because they wanted to bite my lips, tear me apart, they wanted to squeeze and suckle on  these” she touched her breasts.
I was embarrassed but that was her way, things were going her way, we had no other choice.
It was a hot July Monday, the AC in the interrogation room was on full blast but the room was getting hotter every minute. She was appealing, I had to keep my mind focused. Focus, I had to focus on the task at hand, me and my team wanted answers- why?
We found our fist victim on New Year’s eve 2010, he was naked with his genitals cut off lying on the snow in route 96, a woman driving by saw the body and called the police immediately,  after  they discovered 2 more bodies  we were called in to help. We created a profile, for almost a year we thought the killer was a man, a homosexual man, we haven’t had many women serial killers and we never thought a woman could kill so mercilessly. I was the lead profiler on this case, I ate, I breathed, I lived this case. I wanted to meet her, the woman who killed good looking and successful men with out flickering an eye lash.  5 bodies, no suspects and vague witnesses the case was going no where. I was frustrated, angry, I was failing myself. I was engaged, in love but Miranda decided to walk out on me, she felt I gave this case more priority than her, than us. When Miranda walked out I made her (I like to refer to the killer as her because at that time I didn't know her name) my goal, if I found her I would be triumphant, that’s when I decided to devote myself in finding her.
She whistled in my ear and snapped her fingers
“Wake up” she said. My goal, I should feel triumphant.
There she was wearing red stilettos and a body hugging black dress, she came in voluntarily, I guess she dressed up  for the occasion. After Miranda left I started receiving letters, they were from her, every time from different addresses, in one of the letters she mentioned how she thought my ex fiance was ugly and I was better off with out her, she said she wanted to meet me and she wanted to look her best when she did. Now here she is looking like a goddess, only this goddess doesn't have a halo around her, she has bloody hands and a sick mind. The entire department stood still when she walked right to my desk and said “where can we get some privacy?”, I made her my goal, she made me to some extent the object of her affection.

The interrogation room.

She wanted to play games, I waited for her for 2 years, I was not interested in playing her games.
Her gaze were fixated on me, I swear I didn't even see her blink. It felt as if she was looking straight through me. Her focus on me made me quiver, it felt like she knew all my secrets. I am not a good man, I have done things that I am not proud of.
“I have studied you Richard, day in and day out, you were looking for me and I had already found you
I thought you would recognize me, we had this bond. You are so dumb. You wanted me and I was throwing myself at you” she laughed a wicked laugh, she ran  her long nails covered in blood red nail polish through her dark brunette hair
She was the puppeteer and I was her puppet.
I remember Miranda had recently walked out of my life and there  was this beautiful woman always smiling at me, welcoming me,every day when I went to get my coffee at the Main St Starbucks,  I couldn't resist  so one day I invited her to drink with me. I met her that night at a bar near Main St, she lived in the same neighborhood, she was smart, sexy, funny, beautiful what more could a heart broken, frustrated man ask for. She seemed so genuinely interested in me, in things I did, I was in an awe of her. That night as I drove her home she asked if I wanted to go up to her apartment and talk for a while, I couldn't say no.  We were in her living room, I sat on the couch, while she went to get something to drink, she came smiling slyly, “ I have a treat for you” she said, placed the bottle and the glasses on the table and took her dress off.
She was stunning and I was surprised but I am a man. She sat on top of me, undid my belt and my pants, she slid her hands inside my pants, held my penis and kissed me vigorously. I was aroused, I wanted to fuck the living day lights out of her, I threw her on the couch, undressed my self, she whispered in my ears “I like it wild and rough, you better spank me hard” , that night I  let out my anger and agitation, I was aggressive, she liked it that way and I was - stress free.
“What are you thinking?” She said.
“Why?” I asked
“I am not in the mood to discuss it”
“That’s why you are here”
“I wanted to see you”
“Don’t play games. I am done with your games’
“Oh! Poor baby did mama hurt your feelings” she said and laughed again
I was starting to get angry.
“Just fucking tell me!” I yelled
“You look hot when you are angry, I could make you angrier”
“I want to know why you killed those men, please I beg you, things are going your way aren’t they, please ” I pleaded, that was my last resort.
We continued seeing each other, I needed a friend and she was there, I needed a lover and she was there, I needed a confidant, there she was and sex was always awesome.
I told her how the “Killer Lady” as the media had named her had taken over my life. I told her about the case and how we had no leads, I showed her the letters, she was so understanding and she empathized with me, she was just perfect. She always assured me we would, I would catch her, I told her I wouldn’t be in peace till I found her. Jane had become my safe harbor, I knew I would always be thankful for  her.
“You want to know why?, I will tell you why”
“ See, Richard, men think with their penises, I know this because those men I killed only wanted sex, the kinkier the better, even if it meant strangling, whipping spanking, even when it involved a  knife they didn’t say no to sex, so what do you expect me to do with those men, worship them? No, no, adore them? Fuck no, kill them- YES.
At times being pretty is a curse, ever since I was a little girl, say 8 years old men wanted to get inside my pants. See, my mom and dad were extremely religious people we were forced to be religious too, every thing revolved around god. My brother and I were 8 years apart, my parents loved him very much, they called me the Devil’s child, I suppose my brother was the God’s child. I remember on my 8th birthday, I was lying on my bed when my brother entered my room, mom and dad were already asleep. He said he had a surprise me, he told me to take my clothes off if I wanted the surprise, I did and he he took his off too, he touched me and made me touch him, every where,  every where, I was only 8 and my surprise was a bag of candies. A fucking bag of candies” she yelled.
She was filled with rage. She got up for her chair and walked towards the wall, she stood facing the wall and screamed.
“When I was 10 I told my mom that her son was touching me, she said I bought it on myself, it was God’s way of teaching me a lesson, lesson for what though?, God loves his children. My brother raped me till I was 16, 8 years of abuse and rape. So, when I turned 18 I left that house to start a new life but I couldn’t do it, I hated men, I couldn’t let any one in, that’s when I knew what I had to do. I went back to our parents’ house, I was 22 then my brother was living alone at that time, I seduced him that night, he took his thing out and I cut it, it made me feel ecstatic than I stabbed him again and again, it was so euphoric, I knew I couldn’t stop doing it, I needed it to feel good”
 “ Why didn’t you kill me Jane, I am also a man, I fell for you?” I asked, I was hurt. Yes, I was very hurt.
You can imagine my surprise when I saw Jane walk straight to my desk, I assumed she wanted to say hi but she wanted privacy I thought she was pregnant or wanted to break up, but she sat on that fucking chair with no remorse and she continued to play her game and she continued to win.
“Oh poor Richard, I have seen men hang onto their dear life, I have seen them gasping for their last breath, the excitement in that disappears as they lay lifeless on the ground. Your suffering will last for a long time, every time you see me or I see you or even think about you, I will get pleasure in knowing you are suffering, you will never heal, you will be just like me, you will be punished like those men but your pain will last long, like mine did, you will relive the pain again and again"
“Why me?”
“Because you are one of them, just  another man”.

Good bye

The falling leaves tell me,

It’s time to say good bye.

Red is turning into black,

Day is turning into night,

Honey, it’s time to say good bye.

My vision must be a distant memory

I feel your hand slipping away

I cannot tighten my grasp

Darling, it’s inevitable

It’s time to say good bye

Wine drips from the corner table with a rhythm

Pay attention, tic toc, tic toc

The beating of my heart is slowing down

Ignore it, tic toc, tic toc

The clock is ticking

Baby, don’t cry

It’s time to say good bye

The fear in your eyes scares me

It tells me, I am not ready yet

What do we do?

Good bye is unfathomable

Don’t! You will hurt more

Sweet heart, there is no pause

It’s time to say good bye

It’s not your fault

Wait, love, don’t give up yet

Look at me, smile

Please, I beg you

Don’t make it hard

It’s time to say good bye

One last kiss is what I seek

I know you’re not ready

But Fate cannot be re-written

There!  I see it

 The dark shadow

Waiting in a corner

Hey! I am leaving, it’s time

Beloved, it’s time to say good bye

Good bye!

 1

Loneliness

Loneliness-

You and I

Let’s write a love song

Till the music in our souls is sung

Loneliness-

You and I

Let’s dance to the beating of our hearts

Till our shoes fall apart

Loneliness-

You and I

Let’s run hand in hand

Till we reach a house by the sand

Loneliness-

You and I

Let’s gaze at the sun light

Till our mornings are shining bright

Loneliness-

You and I

Let’s drink to our bond

Till our spirits soar far and beyond

Loneliness-

You and I

Let’s promise with our hearts

Till death do us apart

Loneliness-

You and I

Let it be known

It’s just You and I

Loneliness-

You and I

Soul mate for an hour.

There he was sitting in that restaurant, drinking red wine. I was standing behind the glass doors a little adjacent to his table, I could see him very well, but he hadn't noticed me yet, I stood there looking at his magnificently structured face, his jaw line broad enough to make him look irresistible, his nose which perfectly matched his eyes and lips, he was a wine drinking Greek god, pretty content sitting all by himself. I couldn't take a step further, I just wanted to stand out side that restaurant door drinking him in while he drank his wine, I wished to go to his table and ask him if the table was taken, but that would be too cheesy.  People came in and they went out of that restaurant, I stood there like a dumb fool, magnetized by a man.

 “Yes, ma we are driving to Betsy’s place, please don’t bother me, no I am not with any guy, I am with my friends, c’mon ma, trust me, okay love you, bye” , when you stand where you are not supposed to, staring at a man, you tend to eaves drop in some one else’s conversation, even though that is not your intention. She, who ever she was, was wearing a slutty tight red dress, I swear if I had a measuring tape her heels would be exactly 5 inches, she was not with Betsy, she was not driving anywhere, she was standing at  a corner with her tongue down some hooligan’s throat and she told her mom to trust her, if she were my daughter I would put her on a leash. My Greek god was still drinking his wine, while the slut was busy letting some loser feel her up, she was begging him to take her to his place, I felt sorry for her mom, I really did. I wish I hadn’t seen or heard that, I just wanted to tell her, have some respect for your mom, you just told her to trust you but I don’t like to meddle in someone else’s business, that particular time all I wanted to do was be magnetized my him. He had his phone in his hand, looked like he was messaging some one, was he waiting for some one? Date? Meeting? Wife? , I was not ready to leave with out knowing who he belonged to. At times a glass door is all it takes to make two people seem worlds apart, one simple glass door, made with silica, sodium oxide, lime, separating two living, breathing people. That glass door seemed so claustrophobic, it was there, just a door, but it was a barrier, an amorphous obstacle. I put my hand on the glass barricade, thinking, if I was the one he was waiting for, actually if I were that person I would never make him wait, I would love him madly and he would love me with all his heart and might, we would get married on a beach, with our closest of friends, I would wear a white chiffon gown, diamond ear rings and pendant, to add some color I would wear a red rose on my hair and red shoes, he would be amazed by me, that day we would vow – Till death do us apart, our lives would begin with each other and end with each other, there would never be any one else, besides our flesh and blood. We would honeymoon in Italy, make love every day and night, our honey moon would not be over,  Italy or not,  it wont be over in our house, love making will never die, candles, chocolates, hot baths, everything, and one fine day I will be pregnant, we will have a baby girl, her name will be “Anastasia”, she will have blues eyes, she will be a brunette, she will look as good as her mom and dad. I am a good looking woman, I can say that because I look at myself in the mirror everyday, plus when I am walking or at a restaurant or a coffee shop, out of 5, three men always give me that look, they smile, I frown and walk away. My standards when it comes to men are pretty high, I wouldn’t just smile for some random stranger, I will only smile if that stranger speaks to my heart. With just a look, that stranger has to make me feel giddy, butterflies, happy, nervous, in 5 seconds I need to feel all that, I know I am a weird person, I always believe the day I meet that person I would be the happiest. I could feel butterflies flutter inside my stomach, my palms were sweaty which definitely meant I was nervous, I was smiling, my lips were stretched from one corner to the other, I was happy, I wanted to act a like a teenage, especially when she sees her crush, I was feeling all those feelings, it was him, my stranger inside that amorphous glass. I was being drawn towards him, I was thinking about him in every possible way, I felt his lips on mine, and I sighed in a moaning kind of way, we were kissing passionately, his hand reaching for my dress’s zipper, in my mind we were making love and I was getting excited, that is when it happened, he looked up, he looked at me and I froze. He continued to look at me, I didn’t look away, I swear in that moment, I felt infinite, he was making me alive with just his stare. It was like he was speaking to my soul, telling me to be happy because I deserve to, telling me love is just around the corner. You know, I read a book by Paulo Coelho called Brida, that book talks about soul mates, for some reason that very moment I had to think about that book, my mind started to wander, why oh why? Why cant soul mates recognize each other and even if one does, the other one can’t, why? I felt this happening to me right now, I recognized him but he would never recognize me, he would just stare at me, thinking I am a freak, standing outside a restaurant, staring inside, he will think I am poor, homeless, and I am hungry, my dear, you have chained my feet to the ground, you, I wish I could whisper those words in his ears. He continued to kill me with his stare, he didn’t take his eyes off of the glass door as he stood up, to hug a beautiful, blonde wearing a red dress, not too short nor too long, she knew her clothes well, she was beautiful, she jumped into his arms, his lips on hers, my stomach felt sick, why? I don’t know, mentally in that half hour he belonged to me. After their kiss, he hugged her, and looked up to look at me, then he smiled, he smiled at me. I smiled back, I smiled hard, I laughed and I walked away, thinking how many times I must have come across a stranger, how many times I must have fallen in love with him in an instant, how many times I must have made him my soul mate, many times, many times. That’s just me, I paint pictures of love in my mind, I find my soul mates every day, I am weird that way, I am lonely that way and I am happy that way.