Maya's almost love stories

I am 5 feet 5 inches, 135 pounds, D cup, I have big eyes, round nose, slender lips, wavy hair, I am fairly pretty, I am a Pisces,  I write, I am talkative, I am single, I am Maya and these are my almost love stories.

At 16 years of age no girl knows what love is, she only knows, that particular boy in her class is cute and she gets butterflies in her stomach every time she sees him, I was 16 when I first saw him. He was brown, well combed hair, small eyes and a magnetizing smile, every time I saw him I froze, my heart skipped a beat, yes I had a crush on him and he didn’t know I existed, well that was what I thought. I was an ugly duckling with no hopes of turning into a swan. He was the star athlete, captain of the school basket ball team; popular for all the right reasons, I on the other hand was popular for being unpopular, I was a geek, class president and the teachers loved me. At 16 I didn’t know if what I felt for him was love or an infatuation that was getting a bit too hard to handle. In assembly I would sit at the end, just to get a glimpse of him, time and again I would catch him looking at me but as soon our eyes met he would turn away, that didn’t make me feel good about myself, at all. My subconscious which has been a living, breathing part of me ever since I was born, at 16 told me he is not good enough for you, that’s why he avoids you, oh well how I wish I had believed her then. The entire school year went by with me being smitten by him, not bothered knowing what he felt for me or thought about me. Then 2 months before graduation, it happened. “Hi, would you like to hang out after school” Sahil said,  of course with that mesmerizing smile of his which still drives me crazy and me being the dork that I am said “are you talking to me?”, he laughed and said “of course, silly!” Silly, he had me at silly. At 16 my life began and ended at 20 when he enrolled in the British army. It’s not that I can’t handle long distance relationships, I can but when that distance makes you grow apart rather than making your heart grow fonder, it gets difficult to live in your fantasy land. He was not coming back for a few years but I was ready to wait and I did wait for two years, I gave him 6 years of my life and in return developed a relationship with his answering machine, his friends mocked me for calling him everyday and when he did come around all he said was “I needed space” Space? That too in a long distance relationship? When I love, I really love there are no ifs or buts about it and when my heart gets broken it takes forever to heal. Sahil and I had spent almost 7 years of our lives together and apart, he was my first kiss, I wanted to marry him at that time, I guess I wanted him more, I always want more but getting over Sahil was not as hard as I thought it would be, I didn’t get the chance to mourn our break up, I fell in love again, it wasn’t very hard to fall in love with him, Nikesh, he destroyed me yet made me strong enough to be me.

I don’t know if he will ever find out or even guess how I feel about him. At times I see him look at me, his eyes seem to be admiring me, when his gaze meets mine, I look down, he makes me nervous, he makes me smile, he doesn’t know he makes this sad little girl happy, so happy she lets go of  all her troubles and worries and happily lets him annoy her. He will never know every day I hang on every word he says, I smile at the mention of his name and I grow fonder everyday. I wonder if  I will ever know how it feels to hold him close, to let him hold my hand, I imagine him brushing my hair from my face, I marvel at how it feels to be the woman he loves. He is my present, I want him in my future, but I will never tell him, I am not even his type, I wish he could just read my mind and tell me “Maya, I feel the same way, I do, you are my soul mate and I am so glad to have met you” I wish, I can only wish.

Nikesh was unlike any man I have come across till date, he was a rake, he was the Casanova of my wonderland. At times I wish I had no Sahil, no Nikesh, no none in my life but him, then I would be able to loosen the grip over my heart and show him how I really feel for him, He might reject me, it will hurt but at least I could tell him that I am hopelessly liking him to bits. Nikesh, let me focus on the demon that scares me still.

He was not a bad man, time turned him into one. He tried his best to love me as much as I did, I thought he was my Atlas, he could hold the sky on his fingers, may be that over whelmed him, drove him crazy and he grew violent, may be whatever happened between Nikesh and I, was my fault, may be I was too much for him to handle, I need not only a man but a man with a heart of gold.

Nikesh, is any woman’s dream at first sight, he is happily married now, I hope he is,  he  has an enormous fault he cannot love  “Maya, you’ve taught me what love is, I hope I will be able to love her as much as you loved me once”, I smiled through my tears, that’s all I could do. I was not sad, I was angry at god so I chose to bring that anger out in form of tears, how could god do this- I was tortured and tormented by Nikesh, and he found love again, he was the one who got his shot at happiness again, I was left alone to live through it.

Nikesh and I happened almost 4 years ago-  he pursued me for a year before I agreed to our first date. He enjoyed the thrill of the chase, it bought the best out in him. He did everything to woo me and wooed I was. Nikesh had my heart on the palm of his hand, I don’t know how that happened, I was the puppet and he was the puppeteer. I talked when he asked me to, I moved when he ordered me to, I dressed up just to please him, kept friends he approved of, I was dead, my soul was dead, I was waiting for him to kill me. I had endured so much of pain, ending my life was the only option I had. Nikesh, slapped me, punched me and kicked me- he said he did that because he loved me and I needed to be tamed.

I mourned Nikesh’s death; he was dead to me, the day I walked out of his house he died. I cried, for Sahil and I cried for me, I cried because I let Nikesh treat me like a punching bag and I cried because I knew I would never be able to love again, I cry, I still do, I want to love, I want to tell him, my present “please rescue me”, I can only plead with unspoken words, I wish he could hear those pleas.

There are certain moments, these days when his smile makes my heart skip a beat, when he calls my name “Maaya” I freeze, I tremble, I pray someday he will wake up with me on his mind, I pray someday he will whisper the words I have always wanted to hear. Someday I hope he will see I am meant for him, some day I hope he will take my hand and we dance slow, someday I hope he will say “Maya let me love you”. Someday I hope he will know he is my soul mate, someday I hope someday comes soon, before time makes him an almost lover.