My version- GOD

I have lived 25 years of my life trying to believe in god, at one time I was an ardent believer but as time passed and as I grew older my certainty in god started to plummet.

Is god with in me? Is god omnipresent and omnipotent? Or is he omniscient and powerless, made all mighty by only our hopelessness? GOD- an enigma, if he is omnipresent, why isn’t he here in my most dire times; if he exists I need him, here and now.

“Clasp both your hands, bow your head and pray, pray for everyone you love, pray when you are in distress, pray when you want to thank him” my warden said this to me when I was five years old and in a boarding school, home away from home. I still haven’t forgotten those lines, I just can’t get myself to clasp my hands and bow my head in faith, I have lost that 5 year old girl’s belief in the omnipresent, the omnipotent, the almighty- GOD.  I try my best to believe in him, to harness the positivity of his being, I try to think god but god for some reason has become just a three letter word in my vocabulary. It’s been more than a year my faith or shall I say my uncanny faith in god shattered into meager elements.

My belief has shattered because god has ceased to listen to my pleas, it’s selfish of me to put it that way, god is not my favorite dress, I have to share god. If God is omnipresent than why are people dying an untimely death? Why does Mother Nature time and again swallow lives? Why is the world at war? If god does exist, why isn’t this world a wonderland? There I have shared god with rest of the world, but it feels easy to talk about the almighty thinking god is only mine, that way I can express myself better.

We see god in statues, shrines, paintings, pictures, what we see is it really the face of god? No matter what religion you follow have you ever thought the deity you worship does he look exactly like what’s in front of your eyes? God is not a shrine neither is he a picture, god is the tiny cells in our body that work hard every millisecond to keep us alive, god is the air we breathe, god is the food we eat, god is the sun that welcomes dawn and the moon that engulfs night, god is the tiny bits of particles that surround us, god- made divine by our selfishness, greed, desire and hopelessness.

I wonder if I sound like an atheist, I am not an atheist. My definition of god might be different than how others perceive god. I believe god is in small things, god is those things we take for granted. God for me is gravity that keeps me from falling, god is the unconditional love my family bestows on me, god is in me and god is around me.

It’s been ages I haven’t prayed, I have forgotten how to pray. When I do pray I wonder if my prayers will be answered and if they were to be answered, what should I ask for?

“Dear god please make me the richest girl on this planet”

“Dear god make my enemies suffer”

“Dear god please help me lose weight”

“Dear god, I have a crush on him, please make him like me”

“Dear god, keep my parents happy”

“Dear god I want world peace”

If I could only get everything I ask for. God won’t hide a box of treasure under my bed just to make rich,  I will have to work hard every waking moment of my life, the cute boy who I have a crush on won’t like me until I make him notice me, god won’t help me lose weight if I just eat and eat and sleep. My prayers will be answered by only me, my prayers will be answered by the belief I have in me and not by god. If my prayers were to be answered by god I would be living in a different planet by now.

People tell me god has carved out everyone’s path and we follow blindly, I agree there must be a higher power but no one can carve out my life’s path, no one but me. God is with in me that is if I choose to believe so. Why should I believe in something that I have never seen, why should I submit my being to something/someone that might be alive, dead or dancing like a pendulum in between life and death? I need to see god, feel god to believe in god, again.

I am a normal girl, I wish to be normal for the rest of my life. God is the normality I choose to live with, god- is not great because of my hopelessness, god is just god, great because no one has seen god, no one knows god and still god knows people will go to any extreme to prove to one another he exists.

God, dear god, if you exist I hope you know I am writing this.  I hope you read it and I hope you make me believe in you again. God, if you are reading this right at this moment I want a miracle to occur, god if you really are here change the course of time, god make me a little less selfish. I am waiting dear god, I am waiting for a change. God, You must be laughing at my audacity for questioning your existence, I am laughing at your unwillingness to prove your existence.

God- what is god? My uncanny faith shattered into meager elements, God- made divine by only our hopelessness.