Happy Begining

He loves me. Holy shit- he loves me, he said he loves me. The 18 year old who dwells inside me is jumping around, laughing throwing her hands up in the air, she seems to be lost in her own dreamy sensation, she is euphoric, he loves me, he loves all of me. But what about the 25 year old me, am I happy? Obviously I am, why do I even doubt it, I am happy; I have liked him for god knows how long. My inner twin ignoring the young me is standing right in front of me, stumping her foot, scowling at me, do you have anything to say I ask my inner twin, she gives me a yes-I-do-and you-know-well-what-it-is look. You like him, you don’t love him, you cannot love, you are scared of love she says staring angrily. I frown at her, I don’t want her words to imprint in my brain, I want to bask in this feeling, the feeling of being loved, so I ignore my inner twin, go away I tell her., I like him, I will learn to love him. Will I? Thank you my evil twin, I think I am having second thoughts, why  put such things in my head, I am not sure if I genuinely like him or if I am just infatuated towards him, love, damn it! Why am I having an inner conflict, why can’t all of me, for once, agree? I should hang out with the 18 year old me more often I say to myself and she nods in approval. I have been alone for so long, and I have had my eyes set on him ever since the day I saw him, I have been secretly hoping he would ask me out on a date, so why am I thinking  too much, I always do this, I have this annoying habit of over thinking things. You are not over thinking anything, that’s the truth, promptly says my inner twin, oh! Don’t listen to her, how can you not love a living, talking, breathing Greek god, don’t listen to that stupid twin of yours, says the 18 year old me. Greek god? Oh yes he is, he is one heck of a man., so how can someone like him love someone like me, how is that even be possible, that’s totally going against the law of nature. I need to think, I need quiet, I turn off the inner mode, and take deep breaths, I need to think, he loves me, he wants to know what I feel about him, of course he would, after all I almost ran away, nearly running into a coffee table when he declared his love for me, why am I so clumsy, Rose focus, I tell myself, I left him hanging in there, I have to tell him something, oh! Come on why is this so hard? I am glad he hasn’t called; I would be shivering inside my pants if he did. I was so sure I feel the same way, all of a sudden why am I having second thoughts. I need to lie down, listen to some music, something soothing, I choose to listen to Lifehouse- You and me, this song, why did I choose this song? I love this song, it makes me all mushy mushy inside, I can’t think straight with this song, I need to change the tempo, some techno wouldn’t hurt, as the music plays, I seem to be moving on my bed swaying with the beat, bad idea, I can’t think this way, rather I stay in peace. I love the silence, finally I can think, I close my eyes, I see his face, that well made hair of his, with just a few strands kissing his forehead, his slender physique, his fair skin, his dark eyes, those eyes hold me captive every time our eyes lock, his eyes so beautiful yet so full of longing, longing for me? His lips, I have wanted to run my fingers across those lips, his broad shoulders, those shoulders I have wanted to rest my head on for like forever. Andrea the receptionist at our office, is eight shades of scarlet every time she sees him, well he has the same kind of effect on every woman at our office or at the coffee shop or at the restaurant we go to have lunch, I can’t help it, I feel a tad bit jealous, they practically throw themselves at him, as for me, I am just happy looking at him, he gets me my morning coffee, waits for lunch and sits with me at the coffee shop after work till I quench my thirst for nicotine, when his gaze meets my gaze, when he tucks my hair behind my ears, when he smiles at me, when he calls my name Rose, I am 800 shades of scarlet. As I am lost in my thoughts, my blackberry makes that annoying sound “ping”, I don’t want to get up, I want to be lost in my thoughts. I pout and walk towards my phone, cursing whoever decided to text me at this hour. It’s a text from him, shit – Patrick. I take a deep breath and read

Patrick:

I know it’s kind of late, I hope I didn’t wake you, I am literally dying here, I hope you understand. I am praying you feel the same way, as I do, please get me out my misery. Please don’t be sleeping right now, it’s urgent!

I am grinning, I love his attention. Oh! What do I say? My inner twin jumps at this opportunity, you say nothing she scolds, right then the 18 year old me interrupts, you say the feeling is mutual, you love him Rose. Yes, I love him, just the thought of him makes me smile, his fragrance seems to linger in my nose every time, yes I love him, the 18 year old me smiles, my inner twin disagrees, it’s just an infatuation she says, I am confused, I decide to shut them up.

What do I say, I don’t know!

Inbox, Patrick, reply

 Me: I don’t know! (send)

I don’t know! I said I don’t know. What if he thinks I don’t feel the same way for him, I am just confused, what if he doesn’t reply, no, I need to text again. No shouts my inner twin from a distance, this time the eighteen year old me nods approvingly. Wait, I wait for his reply.

*ping* I jump at this sound

Patrick: Elaborate!

Elaborate, how?

Me: I don’t know if what I feel for you is love or not, I am not sure, but you are the only man who has this effect on me, I want to be with you, I want to know what is it that I feel for you.

This seems a fair enough reply, I read it once, I read it twice, heck I read it ten times before sending it, There send!

Reply in less than 5 minutes, he sure knows what he is saying. He doesn’t have multiple personality disorder as I do, I chuckle at this thought.

*ping*

Patrick: Date then? J

I smile.

Me: When?

Send

*ping*

Patrick: Downstairs, waiting, come asap

Right now, I am wearing pajamas, no make up, I look horrible!

Me: In pajamas J

Send

*ping*

Patrick: Even better, I am sure you look cute. Waiting!

I jump on my feet. Run to the bathroom, wash my face, pinch my chicks to get the pink tint, fix my hair, well try to and run down stairs. My heart is in my mouth, I can hear my breathing, I can feel my throat pounding, I am nervous, excited and I am running to him. There standing under the street light, my own Greek god. I stand at a small distance, look at him, I am in an awe of him, he smiles his I-know-I-am-irresistible-smile,  I smile back. With a smirk he says “oh! You should have dressed up”

I frown and ask “who are the roses for?”

Still smirking he says “my other date”

Still frowning “go to her, I bet she is all dressed up” I say

He walks towards me, smiles at me his I-long-for-you smile, my knees tremble, he stands right in front of me, tucks my hair behind my ears.

“Roses for the most beautiful Rose” he says

I smile shyly. My inner twin and the eighteen year old are quiet, they are enjoying the show

He takes my hand and pulls me into his embrace. I smell him, feel his warmth. He looks down on me, tilts my chin to face him with his hands, our eyes lock, “I love you” he says, and “I will wait for you to say that” he says with a smile. I push myself a little closer to him, “I will say it soon” I say. My other shades are nodding in approval, oh his embrace feels so good, I want to touch his lips, be with him, like this  I don’t know for how long. Slowly I raise my hand, with my fingers I tug on his hair, slowly caress his face.  Standing underneath the street light, I caress his lips with my fingers; I close my eyes and kiss my Greek god. My inner twin and the eighteen year old me are smiling at my Happy beginning, yes, my Happy Begining

Love: He and She

Relationships are tedious, it requires a lot of hard work, a little bit of mind games to add that extra spice, a whole lot of compromise to add that extra amount of sweetness, and for a hint of salt and pepper well you bruise  his ego, later serenade him with apologies and your loving, at times he will bruise your ego, well he will be he, will act  indifferent, but when you give him a taste of his own medicine, he will be a rabbit following you for the carrot you some how hold in your hands.

 Relationship is like drinking Cosmopolitan, bitter- sweet; it is like eating entrée and dessert at the same time. But for some relationship can be like sharing strawberry ice cream, through out, no complains and no demands, how can that be possible? He and She can never be the same, we are humans, each has their own flaws, no one is perfect, and at times too much sweetness can be a bit too hard to digest.

She: How do I look?

He: (Thinking: “If I thought you were looking nice, I would have said it with out you asking”) Beautiful!

She: You never compliment me; I always have to make sure you notice

He: (Thinking again: “You never give me the chance to compliment you, you always fish for it”) I am always smitten by how beautiful you look! (Lie)

She :( Happy and giddy) Thank you, baby

Men and women are god’s most complex creations, one is the other’s enemy in many ways, and still one can’t do with out the other, may be that’s why when two negative 1s are added the result is a positive 2 and may be this is one of the reasons why He wants She, or vice versa, as close as possible. So what is it about the enemy that makes us want to explore them, get to know them, fall for them, be in a relationship with them? Is it in the way they look or how they make us feel? Is it in their voice or the flirtatious glances they throw at us, what is it that the need to be with the enemy is ever increasing?

Casanova we all know was an infamous seducer, he would even cross an ocean if it could get his choice of victim to notice him, but once she let her guard down and let him in, he would simply disappear, in search of another victim, in search of another challenge.

No one likes to eat strawberry ice cream over and over again; the need for change arises automatically. At times She is cold, and He is confused as to why she is not giving him attention, at times He uses the demonic power of words and She smiles, at times She throws tantrums and He is weak, at times He surprises her with small things and She is the happiest ever, at times She brings out a harem of different women in her and he is shocked yet intrigued, at times He yells and She cries!

He: Why can’t you ever give proper direction, I had to drive around for half an hour

She: You know I am bad with giving direction, sorry!

He: No problem, that’s expected of you, you have no sense of direction. You want me to be on time, and when I get lost because of your “no sense in direction” you make that pouty face

She: I am not making that pouty face, I never do, why you are getting so irritated, you could have just used the GPS in your car

He: Yes, I could have but I am stupid to believe my girlfriend is smart enough to give proper directions

She: (Sniffling), you are being mean now!

He: oh! C’mon stop crying, you always try to win an argument by shedding tears, just so that you know I am immune to it these days

She: Crying (as if he just broke her heart), not saying a word and still crying

After a few minutes

He: Baby, I am a jerk, it’s my fault, I am sorry (Thinking: “She always gets away with it, she always cries”)

Togetherness is blissful; the feeling of having someone to hold your fall, to share your happiness and be a part of your sorrow is just beautiful. Togetherness at times is hurtful, no one is perfect, we yell, we fight, we walk away, but in the end we love. The reason He and She, no matter how much one manages to get under one’s skin, or point each other’s flaws, love  because She knows He  perfects her imperfections, and He knows She completes him. 

Togetherness simply implies to when two become one. But that is not always possible, He and She’s individuality clash, and both need to become two from one, at least for a while, to keep love growing.

She: Can I come?

He: No

She: Why not?

He: It’s “boys’ night out”

She: You always crash my “girls’ night out”

He: That’s because you expect me to be there, you want me there and don’t deny it

She: So you don’t want me to hang out with your friends? I embarrass you!

He: Here we go again, you know what, I don’t want to spoil my mood, I am leaving, you call your girlfriends, go out, and have fun

She: I will, you don’t have to tell me!

Not everyone can sing duet in harmony neither can everyone dance duet smoothly, it takes a lot of practice, sometimes days, sometimes even years, and yet at times there are certain rough moments. Everyone cannot sing duet forever, or waltz with a lover, forever,  being lovers doesn’t mean one’s umbilical chord is tied to the other’s, at times both He and She need to dance and sing solo, till they are pulled back to each other by an unseen chord.

He: I need space!

She: Space? Do I ever ask for it?

He: No and that’s because I give it to you, I don’t nag you, or cling to you and times I let you be

She: Fine, you want space right? Alright lets end this relationship that’s making you so claustrophobic, then you can take as much space as you want to

He: Why do you misunderstand me always?

She: Because that’s what you want and you can’t say it directly

He: You are so weird, space doesn’t mean I want to end this relationship, I am in love with you, it’s just that I need some me time

She: Whatever!

He: Think as you please, I don’t care!

To be able to love other, one needs to love oneself first, love is never complete with out self love. Love a four letter word, with such a strong meaning, when you fall in love, you fall you can’t help it, but when you try to get out of it, you can’t, till your heart is ready to love again, so why put yourself through so much pain? When you love yourself more than other, it won’t hurt as much. When you are secured about yourself and are confident, your partner will be drawn towards you automatically. So, for a relationship to blossom, one should be able love love one self first.

Love is not a feeling you can control, it is the force which rules your soul. You cannot help who you fall for, love just happens. He and She never planned to fall for each other, they never planned to be together for so long, they didn’t know with all the fights and tantrums, love would still be lurking somewhere around the corner.  The look He sees in She’s eyes when he holds her hands, the security She feels when He hugs her, when He yells at her, He has that uncomfortable feeling in his stomach, and that feeling doesn’t seem to go away until She forgives him for being harsh. Love is love, Love is She and Love is He.

He: Baby

She: (Silent with her back towards him)

He: I know I am a jerk at times; you should hate me when I mistreat you. But you should know you are the only girl who makes my heart skip a beat.

She:  (Turns to him, smiles) that’s why I am still here

He: I love you

She: I know and I love you too!