My version- GOD

I have lived 25 years of my life trying to believe in god, at one time I was an ardent believer but as time passed and as I grew older my certainty in god started to plummet.

Is god with in me? Is god omnipresent and omnipotent? Or is he omniscient and powerless, made all mighty by only our hopelessness? GOD- an enigma, if he is omnipresent, why isn’t he here in my most dire times; if he exists I need him, here and now.

“Clasp both your hands, bow your head and pray, pray for everyone you love, pray when you are in distress, pray when you want to thank him” my warden said this to me when I was five years old and in a boarding school, home away from home. I still haven’t forgotten those lines, I just can’t get myself to clasp my hands and bow my head in faith, I have lost that 5 year old girl’s belief in the omnipresent, the omnipotent, the almighty- GOD.  I try my best to believe in him, to harness the positivity of his being, I try to think god but god for some reason has become just a three letter word in my vocabulary. It’s been more than a year my faith or shall I say my uncanny faith in god shattered into meager elements.

My belief has shattered because god has ceased to listen to my pleas, it’s selfish of me to put it that way, god is not my favorite dress, I have to share god. If God is omnipresent than why are people dying an untimely death? Why does Mother Nature time and again swallow lives? Why is the world at war? If god does exist, why isn’t this world a wonderland? There I have shared god with rest of the world, but it feels easy to talk about the almighty thinking god is only mine, that way I can express myself better.

We see god in statues, shrines, paintings, pictures, what we see is it really the face of god? No matter what religion you follow have you ever thought the deity you worship does he look exactly like what’s in front of your eyes? God is not a shrine neither is he a picture, god is the tiny cells in our body that work hard every millisecond to keep us alive, god is the air we breathe, god is the food we eat, god is the sun that welcomes dawn and the moon that engulfs night, god is the tiny bits of particles that surround us, god- made divine by our selfishness, greed, desire and hopelessness.

I wonder if I sound like an atheist, I am not an atheist. My definition of god might be different than how others perceive god. I believe god is in small things, god is those things we take for granted. God for me is gravity that keeps me from falling, god is the unconditional love my family bestows on me, god is in me and god is around me.

It’s been ages I haven’t prayed, I have forgotten how to pray. When I do pray I wonder if my prayers will be answered and if they were to be answered, what should I ask for?

“Dear god please make me the richest girl on this planet”

“Dear god make my enemies suffer”

“Dear god please help me lose weight”

“Dear god, I have a crush on him, please make him like me”

“Dear god, keep my parents happy”

“Dear god I want world peace”

If I could only get everything I ask for. God won’t hide a box of treasure under my bed just to make rich,  I will have to work hard every waking moment of my life, the cute boy who I have a crush on won’t like me until I make him notice me, god won’t help me lose weight if I just eat and eat and sleep. My prayers will be answered by only me, my prayers will be answered by the belief I have in me and not by god. If my prayers were to be answered by god I would be living in a different planet by now.

People tell me god has carved out everyone’s path and we follow blindly, I agree there must be a higher power but no one can carve out my life’s path, no one but me. God is with in me that is if I choose to believe so. Why should I believe in something that I have never seen, why should I submit my being to something/someone that might be alive, dead or dancing like a pendulum in between life and death? I need to see god, feel god to believe in god, again.

I am a normal girl, I wish to be normal for the rest of my life. God is the normality I choose to live with, god- is not great because of my hopelessness, god is just god, great because no one has seen god, no one knows god and still god knows people will go to any extreme to prove to one another he exists.

God, dear god, if you exist I hope you know I am writing this.  I hope you read it and I hope you make me believe in you again. God, if you are reading this right at this moment I want a miracle to occur, god if you really are here change the course of time, god make me a little less selfish. I am waiting dear god, I am waiting for a change. God, You must be laughing at my audacity for questioning your existence, I am laughing at your unwillingness to prove your existence.

God- what is god? My uncanny faith shattered into meager elements, God- made divine by only our hopelessness.

That Purple Dress

Tears were her best friend, but it had been while since her best friend had made contact, she didn’t miss her friend, she didn’t want her to come around, she needed her only when the pain in her heart seemed like it had been stabbed with thousand knives and she alone couldn’t handle the hurt. She had locked up her past, her nightmares, her memories in a casket and buried it so deep that neither her heart nor her mind had the energy to bring it back.  She lived in her protective cocoon, wrapped in the warmth of her innocence and her undying hope for true love. She was not naïve; she knew no prince would come on a white horse to rescue her but that hope was her happy haven; hope was all that she had. She smiled everyday, she made sure no one in her life felt that they were taken for granted, she had made a promise to herself that she would bestow everyone in her life with all the love she had in her heart. Yes, she was lonely, she didn’t get what she gave yet she didn’t care. She had endured so much that not being at the receiving end made no difference to her. She had friends who loved her but she didn’t want to be a burden on them, she had her books, she was busy moving up in her career ladder, she was busy trying to make up for the lost moments she didn’t have a firm grasp over once.  She was finally learning to move on, she was slowly trying to get back on her feet.

She screamed in the highest possible pitch, her agony, anger, hurt, pain, disgust all were a part of that scream, no one could hear that heart wrenching sound, she was alone in her apartment and Metallica’s Enter Sand Man was blasting through her stereo. That agonizing cry wasn’t for anyone else to hear, it was her way of telling those excruciating recollections to go away. She sat on her bed room floor, clothes scattered everywhere, clothes of different colors, different designs, and different brands. She was clenching a purple dress she held it close to her heart. She was crying that casket had opened itself and everything inside it had crept back into her heart. She set that purple dress on her lap looked at it as if to her it meant either life or death.

That purple dress was precious yet she dreaded wearing it. She hadn’t even looked at it in two years and today all of a sudden that dress fell on her feet, she told herself it was a sign.  That purple dress had so many memories she didn’t know what to hold onto and what to let go of. That dress was a gift from him. She wore it whenever possible. She loved that purple dress. That dress was something she should have burnt long ago, she wasn’t strong enough back then and today she doesn’t know if burning the dress will heal the wounds or if burning herself will.

Why now, she thought to herself? She had moved on hadn’t she? 2 years and she thought time had healed everything. How could a dress make her feel this way?

“I bought something for you, hope you will like it” he said

They had just started dating, she was crazy about him, and it seemed like he was head over heals for her too.

“What is it?” she asked

“Well, here”

“Thank you”

“I will wear it tonight” she said

It was his birthday; they were celebrating his birthday first time as a couple. There were so many people waiting to meet her, waiting to see how she looked like. He was a very well known man in his community, his business was very successful, he had had his set of affairs with women of perfect shape and sizes and some of them were still in love with him and they hated her because he chose her.

She placed the dress on his bed before taking a shower. In the shower she playfully scrubbed each and every part of her body imagining his hands running all over her, the pull she felt around him was uncontrollable, the desires he stirred in her were unfathomable. She hungered for his touch, she craved for his lips to kiss her every where arousing each and every part of her body. She got out of the shower, dried her hair, applied make up on her face and finally put that dress on. He was waiting for her in the living room drinking Pinot Noir. She walked down the stairs and his gaze froze, he couldn’t take his eyes of her. She could see the burning passion in his eyes, she could tell he was undressing her already in his mind. She was wearing a one shouldered purple dress, his gift, the hem of the dress was right above her knee, her hair was parted side ways, it had a rhythmic bounce to it,  she wore a pair of golden heals, she carried a golden clutch. Her face looked so beautiful he couldn’t take his eyes off her, her eyes shimmered, her cheeks glowed and her lips covered with blood red lip stick made her look all the more tempting. She walked elegantly besides him, everyone looked at them enviously, he held her hand as they walked, he introduced her as the love of his life, she knew she was falling for him real bad, she would do anything for him. That night, as she was stepping out of his car, he walked to her side, and swept her off her feet into his arms. That night he made love to her with so much desire and fire that she didn’t want the night to come to an end.

“You are fucking him aren’t you?”

“No, what are you saying?”

“Why does he want to meet you for drinks?”

“Because he is my friend, I don’t have to be sleeping with him to go out drinking, what is the matter with you, I love you, I always have”

She didn’t know when his love turned into possessiveness and when that possessiveness turned into an obsession. He was obsessed with her, he doubted her every move, he was insecure and he poured all of his anger and frustration on her. I can do this, I love him, anything for him- she always said to herself.

“You are not going any where” he ordered

“But I have already promised him” she begged

“No”

“but..”

She fell flat on her face. He had slapped her, tears started to spring from her eyes. He leaned down as if to caress her cheek but he punched her right on the face, and kicked her again and again, all the while she was begging him to stop. After a while his aggression seemed under control, she managed to get up from the floor, her body was screaming in pain, a warm liquid seemed to be oozing out of her nose, she wanted to see the damage he had done to her. She stopped in front of a mirror and looked at her battered face, he had broken her nose,  she froze, she couldn’t breathe for a moment. She washed her face and headed for the door but he came running, got down on his knees and started crying, she couldn’t leave and that was it for her, 2 years she lived as his prisoner.

They lived together, every night she would go through the same abuse emotional and physical. The physical wounds would heal but the emotional wound was always fresh. You are ugly, no man will ever want you, you family doesn’t want you that’s why you are here living in my house, your family will never want you, you are good for nothing, you will never do anything good, you are a loser, you should be glad you have me- those were the words that came out from his mouth every night, she could escape the physical pain but the emotional pain seemed to haunt her still.

“Babe what are you doing?” she asked in a trembling voice

“I want to make love to my girl”

She was lying on the bed about to fall asleep and he had been drinking.

“ I had a very long day today, I want to sleep, please”

He didn’t say or do anything for a while and then he yelled

“You deny me; you say no to me, if I want it I want it”

He pinned her hands on bed, spread her legs apart and hit her when she fought back. She cried, she yelled for help but no one could hear her, he raped her that night, he did that to hurt her, to punish her and this was not the only night he put her through this torment, it continued to happen every night till she decided to leave. She was weak, lost, scared, she was afraid to even leave she couldn’t muster up the courage to tell anyone, she contemplated suicide.

One night she was lying on his bed, he wasn’t home yet, it was almost after mid night, her instincts told her he was in the arms of another woman. She lied on that bed thinking she had to get out of this relationship and today she had the chance, it was like an epiphany. She took her purse out from his closet and headed out of the house, she didn’t look back not once.

 When he came back and couldn’t find her he raised hell, he called her, texted her, threatened to kill her but she didn’t care. She seeked refuge at a friend’s place, for nights she couldn’t sleep or eat, she had nightmares almost every night, she was scared of her self- she had lost the real her, where she didn’t know.

After 2 years, tonight she was sitting in her bedroom reliving those memories. No one understood why couldn’t she forget about it, why couldn’t she move on- she wanted to, but she didn’t have the confidence to, his words still echoed in her ears. As she looked at that purple dress, she vividly saw those moments flash in front of her eyes, she didn’t want to live with those memories, she was tired of running away from herself. She got up walked to her dresser and took out a pair of scissors, she sat down again on the mountain of clothes and started to cut that purple dress into pieces, after she had shredded that purple dress into pieces, she closed her eyes, took a deep breath, smile, lifted the scissors, placed it on her wrist, pressed it hard and ran those scissors through her wrist. She slit her wrist, not once, not twice but thrice. The pain didn’t bother her, it didn’t hurt, she was finally free of the emotional pain she had been living with.  She lay down along with the shredded purple dress in the pool of her own blood slowly waiting for death to come, she had a smile on her face, finally she was going to be in a place where she belonged. Death was nearing and finally she would be in her happy haven.